Rosie Waterland reviews Black Swan. Spoiler alert: It’s hilarious.
Sometimes all a girl needs is a sandwich. That’s the overall moral I took from the 2010 artsy ‘you probably don’t get most of this’ masterpiece, Black Swan.
Starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis as two very skinny ballerinas, the film was universally acclaimed, and earned an Oscar for Portman (which, along with her degree from Harvard, officially pushed her into perfect human territory).
The movie begins with Winona Ryder, the dance company’s prima ballerina, getting fired for being too old and haggard. She’s about 35. No word on whether there was also any shoplifting involved.
Winona getting booted means that now there’s a free spot for a new girl to be the head ballet honcho. When it’s announced that the next show will be Swan Lake, desperation among the ballerinas to land the lead is high. Getting the lead in Swan Lake for a ballerina is like what getting Lisa Wilkinson’s job is for Aussie TV personalities. The best of the best.
Just as an FYI, you should know that this post is sponsored by Telstra. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.
Natalie Portman is, like, super desperate to land the part. She’s also super freaking weird, since she lives at home with her equally weird stage mother who definitely once put her on Toddlers and Tiaras.
She auditions for the part, but the sleazy director is all, “Soz, you have perfect technique but you really need to loosen up.” (Code for, you kind of have to sleep with me if you want the role).
But poor Nat is too uptight, and also, you know, in charge of her own body, so she refuses sexy-times. When the director tries to kiss her, she gets annoyed and bites his tongue. He considers that proof of her passion and gives her the part. Hooray.
But, aside from the tongue attack, Natalie struggles in rehearsals to bring enough passion to the role. Sleazy director man keeps telling her to look at Mila Kunis, who isn’t technically perfect but has all the pizazz that poor Nat lacks.
It’s at this point that Natalie starts to go a little loco. She starts seeing some really weird shit, but it’s probs all just down to her being really, really hungry.
Mila feels really bad that Nat is like, totes jelly of her mad skills, so she invites her out for a night of partying, which, super randomly, ends with Nat and Mila having some… special time together.