'Beyonce's trying to set a new birth trend. There are 8 reasons I'm not on board.'

Nobody should compare themselves to Beyonce, that’s just dangerous. But today I was asked by my Editor if we had similar birth plans.

The 35-year-old singer and her partner Jay Z have reportedly planned to let their five-year-old daughter, Blue Ivy, witness the birth of their twins.

“They’re worried that their daughter might feel left out when the twins arrive, so they’re trying to make sure she feels involved every step of the way, “a source told The Daily Star newspaper.

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

I am six months pregnant with my second child and already annoyed at Beyonce for making my pregnancy announcement seem so mundane.

Now she is making sibling birth-watch trendy.

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on


There’s no problem with that, at all. Blue Ivy will be treated to a great show I am sure.

However, there are several reasons my two-year-old son won’t be witnessing his brother’s birth this September.

1. Attention span

My son, Charlie, won’t go the distance of a full labour and birth. He can barely get through an episode of Peppa Pig in a doctor’s waiting room. Peppa’s adventures are only five minutes long.

2. Swearing

I am not ready to expose him to a new vocabulary. At two-years-old, he already tells me off for cussing and that’s not the top-shelf, real verbalised pain stuff.

Listen: Is birth really scary? (Post continues below).

3. Trashing the place

Our cafe track record isn’t great. There have been broken plates, spills and meltdowns. I hate to think what he could do with medical equipment. I will need that gas and air and all the stuff that beeps to be plugged in and working.

I'll always remember that babyccino that didn't go wrong. Image supplied.

4. Bouncing off the walls

A two-year-old will need more care and management than me during a long labour and birth. A random urgent request for his favourite toy while I'm busy pushing out a baby is not something I want to deal with.

5. Jealousy

In an effort to avoid jealousy I've been telling Charlie for months that his brother is bringing him a huge present. The idea is, he will then like his little brother. But if he witnesses his brother being born without an Optimus Prime in his hands, I know my son would never forgive him for forgetting it.

6. The crying

Last time I gave birth, my partner was stressed by seeing me in pain. How would Charlie feel? I stubbed my toe the other day and he said: "It's okay Mummy", over and over. That's very cute but I don't want him to have to do that for 27 hours.

7. Just us

My son has been my world for nearly three years. As we transition into a new phase where my heart will explode again I haven't thought about how I am going to say goodbye to just us. But I know it's not about including him in this bit. I don't want to traumatise the poor kid.

8. My birth plan

The truth is I can't plan any of this. Charlie might wind up as my unplanned doula saying: "It's okay Mummy." But I hope that doesn't happen.