reality tv

‘90 emotionally-scarring questions later, I just applied to be on Big Brother 2020.’

Big Brother sounds like my kind of reality TV show.

There’s no rose ceremonies, no starving on a tropical island, no weekly relationship counselling appointments broadcast to the nation. It’s just… chilling… in a house… doing… not much. That’s my favourite thing to do.

So, why not turn my day-to-day into an opportunity to win some cash?

Remember this iconic Big Brother moment?  Post continues below video.

Video by Big Brother

I’ve decided to submit an application to appear on the Big Brother 2020 revival, which I can assure you is 100 per cent legit and absolutely not just for this wonderful content opportunity.

From here on out I will no longer be named Chelsea, but instead go by my very catchy and succinct application name: b5213a-1-774105.

When applying for Big Brother, you’ll need to answer 90 questions, but look, I work to deadlines and many of the questions are boring, so I’ve just picked out a select few to outline below. Surely the producers will appreciate my initiative:

If you could invite three people (dead or alive) to dinner who would they be and why?

The Octopus from The Masked Singer, Stuart Parker from Neighbours and the host of Mamamia’s influencer podcast Social Squad.

What makes you interesting?

I’m really good at falling not only down stairs, but also up them, DJ Pauly D from Jersey Shore follows me on Twitter and one time I saw John Oliver at an airport and got so excited I took this:

big brother application
SO CHILL.
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CHILL.

If you could only choose one song to play every time you walk into a room for the rest of your life what would it be and why?

THIS IS SO HARD. I was initially thinking a marching band-style entrance, with 'When the Saints Go Marching In' playing while I enter surrounded by good-looking men with drums and trumpets, but my colleague just rudely told me that is 1. overdone and 2. probably inappropriate.

Sigh.

With my hopes and dreams dashed, I did what we all do in a crisis: I turned to a Buzzfeed quiz for answers.

According to the quiz 'What is your personal theme song?' I should enter a room to 'Run the World (Girls)' by Beyonce and yes, yes I should.

big brother application
WHO RUN THE WORLD? ME

Do you have any enemies? Who and why?

One time I yelled at Tony Abbott because he was blocking my view at a rugby game, so he's practically my nemesis.

Tell us something that is true, that almost nobody agrees with you on?

Cats are supreme beings. And Kourtney is the only cool Kardashian.

Do you believe in God or another religion? If so, which one?

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I believe in Lizzo.

What makes you angry?

Facebook comments. Traditional gender roles. Single-use plastic. When people Capitalise a random Word in a Sentence to make it seem more Important. Onions. Horses.

What will you add to the house?

SNACKS. Cat memes. A mildly humorous accent.

big brother application
I really committed to this. Sorry Tully.

What sort of people wouldn’t you like in the house?

People who argue in Facebook comments. People who don't think leggings are pants.

What habits about others irritate you?

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHEW THAT LOUDLY, SUSAN.

What is your least favourite thing about humanity?

That whole 'ruining the planet' thing, the fact we are constantly at war and elect idiots into power...

But nah, does anything suck more than small talk?

What, if anything, is your biggest regret?

I still have regular bad dreams about the time I told a woman at an airline check-in counter to also have a good flight.

What do you do when someone shouts at you?

Cry.

What do you do when someone ignores you?

Cry.

What’s the biggest thing your parents have taught you?

'Follow your dreams, except if said dreams lead you to apply for a reality TV show that will get you enough Instagram followers for a teeth-whitening endorsement but also open you up to public scrutiny and probably portray you in a bad light'. Thanks, Mum, oddly specific but very timely!

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What do you think is important in a friendship?

Loyalty, mutual dislikes, tagging each other in memes and snack sharing.

How would your close friends describe you?

"Unsure if she's sarcastic or just mean."

"Okay, I guess."

"Pizza fiend."

"Great selection of Lululemon apparel."

"Who?"

Do you have any skeletons in your closet, eg, jilted lovers, sex tapes, unauthorised photos?

Majorly explicit sex tape, 100 per cent. But, whatever.

Of greater concern is that I went through an emo phase as a 14-year-old and those images could ruin my life.

big brother application
I'm 65% sure this is not a photo of 14yo me. Image: Getty.

Are you prepared to take a medical examination if required?

This... is... unnecessary...

What has been the toughest challenge you have faced in your life?

Answering invasive and emotionally-scarring questions for a TV application is pretty high on the list.

How did you hear about applications?

My editor made me do this.

...I'm a shoo-in. Catch me on TV next year.

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