BIANCA DYE: "Instagram makes me hate you all."

I don’t want to sound negative about something that is essentially awesome, life-changing and fun. And hey, 100 million users can’t be wrong.

But Instagram, can you please calm down?

Or more to the point, can all these perfectly toned, amazingly productive inspiring people who over-share their perfect lives calm down? Please.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

These superhuman beings manage to not only find the time to MAKE the perfect shade of green smoothie with every piece of kale left at their organic health food store but then they set it up next to a chic little pastel vintage vase with perfect flowers (peonie roses, of course). Then, instead of gulping it down out of pure exhaustion of completing this task in the first place, they take a perfectly framed and filtered picture of it AND manage to insert a fabulous Ghandi quote in the caption, too.

ALSO READ: Warning: This instagram account will offend anyone with a mortgage. Or a conscience.

I need to know… Who are you people? Where do you live? And who is your life coach? ‘Cause I clearly need some training.

As I sit in utter awe at these uber-perfect humans who pop up in my feed I have to (nastily, maybe) ask myself – is their life at home anything like this incredible “art” of existence they have so tantalisingly crafted on their social media?

I like to wickedly (and no longer secretly) imagine that behind the perfectness of these intimidatingly awesome posts are screaming children, piles of washing  and unpaid bills and a man who is waiting patiently for them to “get off the phone baaabe“. But that’s not very nice of me, is it?

My bestie argues that the attraction of the perfect Instagram life is the same reason we love to buy beautiful, big, glossy magazines with all the pretty aspirational pictures inside – we just love to look at “nice stuff”. Yes, I get that. But lately when I sift through feeds I am gobsmacked at the amount of beautiful people who seem to take a lot of pictures of any or all of the following:

• Awesome, expensive hipster-esque things they are doing.
• Free stuff they get sent and thank people for on their feeds.
• Photoshoots in exotic locations for their “blogs”.
• Quotes for their living well webinars.
• Pictures of their insanely hot gym gear.
• Lunch with other equally over the top very pretty people.

So I have to ask; DO THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY HAVE REAL JOBS? And how is this awesomeness sustained?

This may seem like its the good old green eyed monster rearing it’s inquisitive, yet cranky head at these amazing humans, but it’s actually genuine admiration. I swear.

ALSO READ: “I’m a recovering Grade A Instagram-addicted wanker”.

Instagram has become the beacon for all those who have their sh*t together. It’s both inspiring and overwhelming. And usually both at the same time.

I’d love to be someone’s “fitspo” but I think in order to be that I’d need to get off my butt and buy the sneakers (or ‘kicks’ if you talk Insta-lingo) then wear them on a beach in Bali while taking a selfie.

So again I ask the fitspos and hairspos, the perfectly coiffed, tanned “bloggers”, and life instructors and fitness instructors, and the people who inspire the people who make the gluten free muffins, and the people who grow the organic food for the people to USE in the fitspo pics – WHERE DO YOU GET ALL THIS TIME?

I don’t even have kids and I seethe with resentment at these super humans who have (seemingly) perfect lives AND have time to share them. I hate you all. In the nicest possible way. Because I want to be you – the same way I wanted to be Jane Pearce in grade 5 because she had the perfect pony tail and the perfect tanned, toned sporty legs AND the perfect lunch. Every. Single. Day.

Instagram for adults is just the competitive, bitchy schoolyard times about 60 million.

I’m real. I’m human. I have a heap of faults and I feel so much better about myself when I share them. On Instagram. These perfect Insta-people don’t seem to have faults – or cellulite – or kids – or crappy handbags or frickin’ pimples. You are making it very hard on us all you know.

ALSO READ: This controversial Instagram account was deleted. Here’s why.

The funny thing is we do know better – us older broads. We know your life can’t be that perfect but we still get sucked in to your charms and filters and cool hashtags.

What worries me is the young-ones; The ones that don’t realise that this whole thing is a facade and try to emulate your protein-powdered, Gucci-heeled, pug-walking perfect life? How do we warn them that in real life your credit card’s probably maxed out, your husband’s having an affair and you have tinea?!

Hmmmm. I think we have to let them discover that for themselves.

Flick through to see some of Bianca’s insta-pics, for a dose of what an Instagram account should look like…