Being outspoken and having a very low tolerance for BS, I fall out with people often. I call people on their crap and I have done it for years.
I’m more than happy to have “fallen out” with many people as a result because, and upon closer inspection, most of the time they were not meant to be in my life. But what happens when you actually feel bad about the fall out and want to make amends?
What happens when you recognise you may have acted like a bit of an a-hole and didn’t actually want to end a particular friendship?
In my defence it was my anxiety that led me to act like that. At the time I didn’t have the mental strength or the “give a fuck factor” to fully explain myself and my behaviour to my then-friend and so we fell out for all of the wrong reasons. Then I just let it fester and stew until it went past the point of no return.
We both let the friendship fade away. Not such awesome human behavior but in this day and age of everyone being so busy, it happens, so hear me out.
A beautiful caring friend of mine that I have known since highschool knew I was having a VERY rough time in a relationship sitch. Couple that rough time with leaving a toxic work environment (ie. having NO job) and throw in a few failed rounds of IVF (ie. no $ left) and sprinkle on top a couple of miscarriages and then you have a recipe for someone at breaking point. It was a real shit-salami-sandwich.
Mia Freedman talks about how she deals with her anxiety. Article continues after this video.
So this friend wanted to shout me a night on the town with dinner and accommodation an hour-and-a-half away so I could let loose and not think about driving home .Which is lovely, right? Really lovely and I LOVED her for it.
Only it made me anxious.
People with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) like I have will TOTALLY get this. Just the idea with all I had on my plate of packing an overnight bag and leaving my boy for the night for a roadtrip with the expectation that I would get so drunk and have such a “big” night that I would be forced to stay overnight made me anxious.
Why? I don’t really know. I can’t explain it. I’m not actually sure. Maybe because I don’t like the idea that two months out from one of the worst times of my life I’m already expected to want to feel like having a big night out.
The very thought of it made me feel pissed off, anxious and tired before I had even backed the car out of the driveway.
Instead of explaining to my friend how I was feeling I “ummed” and “ahhed” and stalled with my girlfriend and in the end I was probably coming across as downright ungrateful, rude and selfish. I didn’t see it that way at the time. I was COCOONING – I was in such a bad place mentally that the thought of leaving the house for anything, let alone a “big night out up the big smoke”, just sounded all.too.hard. #ungrateful
Yup I know you’re thinking this chick is nutso – it’s just a night away – but that’s where anxiety is tricky. It’s a nasty little beast that whispers all sorts of rubbish in your ear making something seemingly so NORMAL and dare I say it “fun” seem so DAUNTING and exhausting and just OVERWHELMING to have to plan for. Anxiety means most stuff makes me feel overwhelmed. I’m just the world’s best pretender that I have got this shit sorted.