rogue

A simple explanation for why everyone's obsessed with unicorns.

I don’t like to think of myself as a particularly violent person. I smile at people I pass on the street. Give up my seat to the elderly on public transport. Sometimes I’m so happy I listen to One Direction in a non-ironic way.

But, truly, I swear, if I see one more unicorn product pop up in my social media feed or frequented shopping sites I will go to the ends of the earth to find a living unicorn just so I can throttle it around its mythical head and tell it to stop already.

“I absolutely hate unicorns”. Monique Bowley, Holly Wainwright and Jessie Stephens unpack why FULLY GROWN WOMEN are so obsessed with goddamn unicorns on this week’s episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.

There are unicorn eyeshadows. Unicorns primers. Unicorn shimmers. Unicorn bath bombs. Unicorn sneakers. Unicorn dildos (both anal and vaginal, in case you’re interested). Unicorn t-shirts and hoodies and tracksuits and singlets and pyjamas and, OH GOD I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

They’re hotter than Paris Hilton in 2006, and adult humans who pay tax and sign lease agreements and walk among us are obsessed with an imagined creature from childhood in a bid to find enjoyment in life once more.

Which, sorry to be the serious Sally that points it out, is not normal. Nor was it something that was happening 18 months ago, which makes me believes there’s but one person we can thank for it all.

Donald “I just start kissing them… I don’t even wait” Trump.

donald trump sexist comments
Guh, this guy. Source: Getty.

And before you accuse me of blaming things on America's new Commander-in-Chief more liberally than a prep kid in therapy, hear me out. This time, it really is his fault.

Together with Mike "I can't be alone with women" Pence and Steve "let's sit back and watch the world burn for lols" Bannon, things are bad for Americans right now. Really bad.

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None of these products, or the insanely thirsty market for them, existed 18 months ago. (Post continues after gallery.)

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People are scared and adulthood suddenly looks kind of like the failed experiment that was communism. People tried. Suits were worn, mobile phones were purchased, but hey, it's not working, so where were we up to in Harry Potter? Oh, that's right. Harry and Draco have just discovered Professor Quirrell is slaying unicorns because #magic.

Now, can someone please pass me my new highlighter? It's unicorn shade, don't you know?

Sadly, we've got at least three more years of Trump and his gang of bad boys ahead of us.

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. 

So what does that mean for the unicorn trend that I'd sacrifice my firstborn for to end?

Well, it's impossible to know. But for the safety of mythical creatures everywhere (or nowhere at all), let's start hoping with more vigour than usual that Trump gets impeached sooner rather than later.

Go on, be honest... how many unicorn products do you own?

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