rogue

Apparently the song that was number one on the day you turned 14 defines your life. 

Attention, soul searchers.

Pls stop meditating for just a minute and listen up.

We have very important information regarding the meaning of your life.

Yes people, we are about to tell you how to figure out ~what it all means~ with one very simple internet search, because it’s 2018, that’s why.

I know I’m not the only one who finds “which (insert inane thing here) are you” quizzes, like this very important one right here involving Osher’s made up games, akin to looking in a goddamn mirror. (My answer to the quiz above was almost too real).

So if you’re like me, and regularly find yourself asking, “why am I like this?”, you’re in luck. We have the answer and it requires minimal effort.

(Apart from some very simple maths which some of us may have found harder than we should have and that’s fine.)

According to an extremely legitimate and well-researched theory born out of a random viral Twitter thread earlier this year, the song that was number one on the day of your 14th birthday defines your life.

Why? WE DON’T KNOW, but we are wholeheartedly backing this theory for reasons we don’t understand nor can explain.

You betcha.

Look, 14 was arguably one of the most defining years of most people’s lives. For many, this is when *shudder* puberty happened (or finished happening) and we suddenly started to… feel things we never… felt before.

For me, it was certainly the year I was the most, ahem, feral. 

It was 2007, I was a bit of a tomboy, I played the drums (read: carried drumsticks around with my books so people would ask, “Do you play the drums?”) and I was always in detention.

The OC was in full swing, and Lil Jon was featured shouting in the background of most songs for reasons no one can explain to this day.

ADVERTISEMENT

Things were good. And by “good” I mean no one understood me.

Naturally, I was expecting the number one song on the day I turned 14 to reflect my rebellious streak, because random theories on the internet have never let us down before, right?

Well, it appears to be broken for me.

My song was A Moment Like This by Leona Lewis.

via GIPHY

The film clip seems to be an ode to Simon Cowell and it’s thrown me into an existential crisis – how has this ballad about Simon Cowell defined my life?

Who am I?

I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

Of a small sample of colleagues, one got Bonkers by Dizzee Rascal, one got Maneater by Nelly Furtado and another actually managed to turn 14 when ’90s banger MMMBop by Hanson was number one and I am extremely jealous.

I mean, I didn’t ask to be born 14 years before the very day a dud song was number one on the charts.

It’s not fair.

To find out the definition of your life through song, you can head to officialcharts.com.

Is yours accurate, or are you salty about it too? Let us know in the comments below.

FROM OUR NETWORK
00:00 / ???