Online dating is high on my vulnerability list. I haven’t dated in just over a year, and the last time I did it was with a guy who was passive aggressive and scared me enough to retire back into the hole I’d crawled out of.

Now I’m venturing out into the new territory of online dating and my, my — what a minefield it is.

From a woman’s point of view, we get inundated with messages — some creepy, some lovely, but lots of them and often. From a guy’s point of view I’ve heard they get ghosted, preyed upon, and demonised by women who’ve been hurt in the past (ouch, sorry dudes). Some of the online dating world seems to be a full-on fight to the death. But some of us are ducking the bullets and waving the white flag as we search for authentic beings who are acting from their heart and not their ego.

"Some of the online dating world seems to be a full on fight until the death." (Image: iStock)

Once out of the battle, things get even more confusing as we move into whirlwind of dating world that seems to be on speed. As one of my friends explained, she’d gone from being in a relationship, to being dumped, to having a date, breaking up and then having a tentative date cancel and spring her back into the heartache of singledom all over again. And this was just one week.

I don’t know what this is doing to our dopamine and cortisol levels, but I can imagine such fast-paced highs and lows are unhealthy. Surely there has to be a better way to find love in these technological times?

After much discussion and trying out various tactics, we’ve come up with some guidelines to help create authentic dating experiences in what seems like an incredibly falsified arena.

Slow things down

In the world of instant gratification that we now live in, it can be difficult to take things slow — especially when we have that buzz of excitement when we find out someone who we like, is also interested in us. Suddenly we can race away with thoughts of our first date, and what they’re like and before we know it we’ve created a whole world based on a few pictures and some black and white text. An imaginary illusion created by our own expectations of someone who we’venever even met before.

Even when wedomeet them, we can continue to race into the fantasy of what we’ve created without even knowing whether they’re on board. When we find out they’re not, our hopes crash and burn leaving us feeling dropped from heaven in a sad little mess. And over what? Someone who don’t actually know that well, but who we heavily invested in theillusionof.

Listen: Osher Gunsberg dispenses his advice for a great first date. (Post continues after audio.)

To escape the rollercoaster of these intense ups and downs the trick is toslow things down. This allows us to see the reality and take every message and meeting for what it is – anopportunityto get to know someone. It takes quite a while to get to know who someonereallyis and when it comes to dating it more important than ever to take the time to get to know a person, especially if we are looking for someone to share marriage and having children with.

These big life decisions take a lot of time and energy investment so doesn’t it make sense to spend time collecting the knowledge to make an educated decision? Keep checking in with your feelings regularly to figure out if you genuinely like the person or if you genuinely like theideaof them.

You will only truly know someone if you take the time to get to know them truly.

Don’t present an image of yourself, let them find out who you are

This is a tricky one because all the dating sites have an ‘about me’ section and this can leave a lot of temptation to describe whowe thinkwe are. Try to avoid presenting an image of whoyou thinkyou are and instead let that personfind outwho you are.

"You will only truly know someone if you take the time to get to know them truly." (Image via iStock)

You know, like back in the day when we all used to meet up a few times over a long period and let each other’s personality unravel naturally. There was none of this ‘I’m this kind of person, and I do x, y and z’. Instead we just used to have conversations about stuff and hope that we had something common to chat about (given that we’d probably like the look of each other if we’d already been drawn to conversing).

Stick to talking about the thingsyou doin your life and whatyou like. The person on the other end will start to figure out who you are based on your attitude and your actions. If they like what they hear/see they’ll stay, if not let them go and move on to the next. If anything that’s the beauty of online dating – lots of variety right at your finger tips.

Focus on the experience, not the results

Online dating is not a transaction. It’s not like we’re at a cattle market measuring up the animals against our never ending check list of what we’re looking for. As a western society we need to step away from this idea that there is thisperfect resultat the end of the game for us, whether that is the house, car and 2.4 children orany resultin fact.

Online dating, like all of life’s lessons, is about enjoying the experience regardless of the result. Have a laugh with it and take it for what it is – a place to meet, converse and potentially find a person to enjoy new experiences with. If someone doesn’t message you back, try not to get upset over it.

If someone messages you who you’re not into, tell them ‘thanks but I’m not interested’. Yes it’s a shame when we hope to find love instantaneously and it seems like we’re not getting anywhere fast but focus on enjoying the experience and the journey will seem shorter. (Post continues after gallery.)

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Have fun and show your playful side

Imagine this: you’re in a bar and there are some sexy people who you like the look of at the opposite end of the room. Some have stern faces and seem to make snide comments at people who approach them. Some are smiling and laughing, generally having fun and looking approachable. Some are staring right at you with needy looks on their faces, longing for you to approach them. Who would you go and speak to first?

Personally I’m going to approach the smiling, laughing fun group, because they look like fun to hangout with. Well, online dating works on the same principles – people will approach you based on how approachable you seem to be. Obviously this is subjective to each person but for me this starts with a smile, because to me that shows that the person is enjoying life, because if I’m going to spend my time with someone then I want to do it with someone who would add to my life not take away from it.

I also like messages from people who sound fun and approachable too, because it makes me want to converse with them, rather than questions that make me feel like I’m being measured up against a checklist. I think like this with my own profile too — fun pics of m