CULT BUY: After decades of experimenting, I've finally found the best fake tan.

Excuse me, I’ve found the best fake tan in the world and feel an obligation to tell everyone I come into contact with about it.

It all began with me whinging to a friend about my goddamn pink sheets.

“Have you noticed that some fake tan turns your white sheets, pink?” I asked him.

Well, yes he had. But not just his sheets. My friend Josh had permanently stained his white leather lounge, in the shape of a human body, much to the dismay of his partner.

But Josh, you see, is a problem solver.

Listen to Mamamia Out Loud to find out the one fake tan you need. 

Jbronze is the solution,” he said with a wink that I most definitely am only imagining in retrospect. “Trust me.”

I looked him up and down and I must say, he had quite the glow. It was even, streak free, and his hands didn’t look as though he’d been handling large lumps of mud. It was… assuring.

With a wedding in a few days, I ducked out to my local pharmacy and found a bottle of Jbronze. It wasn’t as cheap as my usual, retailing at $29.95 for a 150mL bottle. But nonetheless I gave it a go.

I used a tanning mitt and loved the consistency. It was quite thick and creamy, unlike those fiddly sprays. It went on a dark brown colour, but once it was rubbed in it was invisible.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. It didn’t even smell a little bit like day old curry. Or musky artificial coconut desperately trying to mask the scent of offensive chemicals. It smelt like normal moisturiser.

Jbronze dark tanning cream.

Within a few minutes, Jbronze was completely dry. I could put trackies and a top on without feeling sticky. This was not how the applying fake tan process had ever gone for me.

When I woke up in the morning, my sheets weren't pink, or orange, or yellow. They were entirely unstained. Even after nine or so hours, I didn't smell like weird food that had just come out of a hot oven.

I jumped in the shower, and once I'd dried - I examined the results.

Damn. I looked good. I looked like someone who knew how to get ready for weddings.

There were no streaks, no patchy knees or pale spots under my arms. It wasn't too dark, I'd say approximately the same colour I'd get if I requested a light spray tan.

Sylvia Jeffrey's wore Jbronze to her wedding. Image supplied.

I wore a light coloured dress to the wedding, and didn't have a spec of fake tan on it when I took it off.

Due to some serious Instagram stalking, I discovered that Sylvia Jeffrey's spray tanner used Jbronze on her for her wedding.

Yep, Jbronze is what the professionals use.

Of all the tanning products I've tried over the years, Jbronze comes out on top by a long shot. It mightn't be cheap, but if that means I know I'm not going to wake up covered in blotches of yellow and orange, with brown knees, and white calves, then that's money I'm happy to fork out.

This post is not sponsored by Jbronze. I just really, really like it. 

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here.