beauty

From $5 to $95: The 9 very best body moisturiser products for when you just CBF.

So, for someone who is well into skincare, when it comes to moisturising my body... no. Just no. I absolutely HATE IT. 

It’s absurd, I know. Maybe it’s a sensory thing? I wear loads of rings - so many that taking them all off to ‘cream’ myself seems like effort, but the feeling of them slipping around my greasy fingers if I leave them on disgusts me. 

Many body products smell too cocoa butter-y for my liking and they make me feel sick, plus I cannot deal with the sticky feeling on my skin after, particularly under clothes! *shudder*.

Watch: Check out the gross ingredients found in your cosmetics. Post continues below.


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Then there’s the risk of getting oily patches on all your good tops, swimmers and undies if you have the audacity to get dressed too quick - and LASTLY - who wants-slash-has the time to stand around naked, lubing themselves up every single time they get out of the shower? Especially when it’s friggin' cold in winter!?

Not today, Satan... Not. To. Day.

The only times I can actually recall going “oh s**t - better get a greasin’” is on the few occasions I’ve been heading out on the razz with my pins exposed and realised that the epidermis of my shins was so parched that the top layer had actually turned into powder.

They do say from dust to dust...

More and more I start to think, though - what’s the point in having a $500 face if it’s on a five buck body? Also, the skin is the largest organ you’ve got, but your face is, like, the tiniest bit? Every other body part is literally watching as I lavish layers of hydration upon my face singing bloody Shannon Noll.

It’s nonsense.

I can’t be the only one who acts like this. I know you do, too! So, as it starts to get cooler, skin gets drier, moisturising even horribler - I’m going to share my easiest, breeziest, least residue-siest body hydrating hacks!

L’Occitane Almond Milky Bath, 500ml, $45.00.

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I’m a big fan of the L’Occitane Lavender foaming bath, and I thought this would be it’s creamy counterpart, but it actually IS milk. 

It isn’t thick, it doesn’t foam, but it smells AMAZE and is enriched with almond oil, meaning you can literally just lie back in the tub, have a wine, eat a bucket of fried chicken or something and let it do ALL of the moisturising for you. I felt baby soft stepping out after, and no further products were required! ZERO effort, and if a milk bath was good enough for Cleopatra it’s good enough for me. Peak CBF this one - love it.

Ipsum Best Skin Body Oil, 100ml, $45.00.

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Whenever a product toots its own horn like this (‘best’?) I always think to myself “I’ll be the judge of that!” but honestly? I don’t know if my skin is particularly thirsty right now or if it really does have next-level absorbability but this oil dries completely dry! 

There is absolutely zero residue. None. I can chuck clothes on immediately after and it’s not even a thing. It’s a blend of Avocado, Grapeseed, Macadamia, Argan and Jojoba oils plus native Davidson Plum extract, and while it's the first product I’ve tried from this brand it definitely shan’t be the last!

Biologi BF Face & Body Restore Serum, 50ml, $72.00.

Yessss, a body serum! Why should the face get all the fun? I use this one on my neck and ‘dec to tell sun damage and weird pigmentation/skin tags that popped up during pregnancy exactly where to go! It’s packed full of phyto-actives that repair and hydrate, it’s extremely lightweight and a little bit goes a long, long way. This is my cure all - dermatitis, kids teething rash, sunburn, eczema, early ageing... I’ve also used it on my face to conduct some intensive barrier repair when I’ve been playing silly buggers with too many acids. Oops.

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Patricks BW1 Multi-Action Body Wash, 200ml, $45.00.

Yeah, yeah... It’s technically for men, but I don’t care. It’s also the most exxy shower gel I’ve ever come across, but guess what? I still don’t care. 

Have you seen the ingredients list on this bitch? Salicylic acid, vitamins A, C, E, ceramides, AHA, BHA, caffeine, blueberry, coconut oil, green tea, Irish moss, marine algae… could use it as my cleanser! 

It's rich, luxe lather has earned a special place in my ‘self-care Sunday’ shower routine and it smells deliciously expensive - bergamot, cognac and amber. Honestly, the men don’t deserve it.

Bettyquette Citrus Body Oil, 115ml, $30.00.

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Mmm, yes, lovely body oil, very good. BUT HAVE YOU SMELT IT? Full disclaimer: I am not a citrus kinda girl. I don’t like citrus flavoured anything. Not taste, not smell. Hell, I don’t even clean with citrus scented stuff. But this… this does something to me. And I can only describe it as: I wanna eat myself. Not even kidding. 

Containing Hawaiian kukui nut and coconut oils, fractionated lime, lemongrass, geranium and bergamot oils... Hot damn. It’s an olfactory orgasm and the lemon drop hand, nail and cuticle oil is just as delish!

Vaseline Intensive Care Spray Moisturiser, 190g, $4.99.

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What’s yellow and goes “cheap cheap”? For $5 you absolutely cannot go wrong with this. This spray disperses the sheerest veil of moisturiser, enriched with microscopic droplets of Vaseline jelly. I actually bought this specifically for my back because it’s constantly neglected on account of not being able to properly reach back there. 

In the absence of your own personal moisturiser who can rub cream into your back for you (taking applications now) this is the next best thing! It also leaves no residue and dries super quickly, plus the smell takes me right back to my teenage years.

Recreation Sun Kissed Luxury Body & Hair Serum Oil, 150ml, $95.00.

I am in love with this brand for their completely natural fragrances and multi use oils. Yes, they’re a bit spenny, but when you consider that the bakuchiol face oil replaces your moisturiser, serum and eye cream and that this also works on your hair you’re actually SAVING! Right? 

This flavour (do we call it a flavour?) smells borderline masculine and when I’m not using it I sometimes stop and just sniff it from the bottle like a creep. Top notes are fig, pear and lemon myrtle and base notes are cedarwood, sandalwood and musk. In my opinion this works best on damp hair and skin and due to the intoxicating nature of the scent would be excellent applied prior to, ah... “special cuddles”.

Hada Labo Gokujyun Premium Lotion, 170ml, $26.50.

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People in the You Beauty group sing the praises of this stuff for your face… but why can’t your bod come to the party too? 

If you’ve ever fantasised about bathing in hyaluronic acid before, this is your chance - this lotion doesn’t need to be applied onto damp skin like a traditional serum and it contains five different types of AHAs. A little goes a long way, and it soaks in completely. No drying time, no waiting to get dressed! Just rub it in and be on your way.

L’Occitane Almond Shower Oil, 250ml, $39.00.

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I bought this while breastfeeding my twins to make massaging clogged milk ducts out of my titties in the shower a more... pleasant(?) experience. Three years later, countless refills down and I’m still at it despite the milk bar having long since closed. 

Upon application, this almond scented oil emulsifies with water and becomes a light foam that is hydrating, nourishing, smells AMAZING and will make your shower experience bougie AF. 

The best bit? When you’re running empty $58.00 will get you a 500ml eco refill, to save the planet from more evil plastic. The eco pouch can then be recycled simply by dropping it into your supermarket's REDcycle bin next time you do your shop!

What's your go-to body product? Would you try any of the above? Share with us in the comment section below.

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