The day started far too early. There was no sweet cuddles in bed or a little voice asking for a drink; no, I was woken as usual by screaming. I have had day after day, month after month, year after year of being woken by screaming and I don’t want that anymore.
I don’t want to wake up to a smell that would make you want to vomit and bedding that is fit for the bin more than the washing machine, because yet again it is covered in something that ought not to be seen by anyone else. I am so tired of that now.
I don’t want to sit on my couch in the middle of the night looking at my child and wondering what I did to have a child who sees no point in sleeping, who at eight still can’t say ‘mama’ and who still thinks the world revolves around his needs only.
I love him more than words could ever convey but I don’t want to be an autism mum anymore.
I want to be a mum who has fun with her child rather than doing therapy with them.
I want to walk my son to school and talk to his friends instead of sending him in a taxi to a place where I am a stranger to them.
I want to be able to talk to my child about the fact it is his birthday soon and discuss what he would like to do to mark that day.
I want to be someone who takes my child to bowling, teaches them to ride a bike or even goes to the movies with them. Instead the only place I ever take him to is hospitals or respite.
I am tired of missing out on everything. I am tired of never having party invites, knowing nothing about his day at school, having to still dress him, having to take adult nappies and wipes with me wherever I go.
I don’t want to be an autism parent anymore.