You know what’s hard?
I’ve been adulting for almost a decade now, surprisingly undetected by authorities. I keep expecting someone to tap me on the shoulder and say “YOU! You’re not supposed to be in charge of stuff! Where’s Mummy and Daddy?”
Sometimes I feel like I’m a 12-year-old in a 27-year-old’s body, usually when someone mentions complicated words like ‘tax’ or ‘health insurance’ or ‘job interview’. I mean, sure, I feel capable and confident a lot of the time… but every now and then, I’ll get a panicky feeling of fraudulence when I come across an Adult Thing that I should have mastered by now, but haven’t.
Like a little kid with their nose squished against the window pane, watching all the other adults, and wondering where my teacher is so I can get some help.
Adult Things I thought I’d have sorted by now… but help?
1. A signature salad.
You know how adults go to barbecues and bring their famous salad? “Oh yes, I’d love to come on Saturday! I’ll bring my noodle salad!” I don’t have a signature salad. If I had to create a salad on Masterchef, I’d put lettuce, cucumber and tomato in a bowl, and then curl up in a ball and cry for my mummy.
2. A present cupboard.
Adults have a cupboard full of last-minute emergency gifts, like candles and soaps and white teddy bears. And gift-wrap and blank cards. Not only do I not have a present cupboard, I’ve never been in the situation where I needed to suddenly produce a last-minute gift. Surely an adult would’ve experienced that by now.
3. Bin day.
WHEN THE HELL is my bin day, and why can I never remember which bins go out when?
4. My doctor.
Sometimes I will be asked to fill in a form (gah! Adult stuff!) that requests my doctor’s details. I don’t have a doctor. I have 30 doctors. For the last decade, I’ve just gone to the nearest bulk bill clinic. On the occasions I’ve been to a nice fancy doctor (for, uh… ‘lady check-ups’…) I have immediately forgotten the name of their practice and never been able to locate them again.