kids

The guide to a real mum's daily beauty routine.

When you become a mother a lot of things change. Your body, your sleep patterns, your available time to preen yourself in the morning.

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Don’t fret though, pet. You can still leave the house semi presentable. You might just need to lower your expectations.

A lot.

Pre children you may have started the day by massaging a floral smelling, overpriced cleanser into your skin. Perhaps you even had one of those headbands you see in the TV commercials to keep your hair from getting wet as you splashed water elegantly over your face. These days your morning cleansing routine comprises of grabbing a baby wipe and removing the film of breakfast your baby left on your cheeks.

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Moisturising is important. It can help disguise the signs of not giving a shit because you’ve been up all night with a teething child.  Once upon a time you probably used something with antioxidants, SPF protection and the first tears of virgin unicorns. That fancy glass bottle is long gone and in it’s place is something you dumped in to the trolley at Coles while pushing a dodgy cart with only three working wheels filled with screaming kids. Hopefully it came from the beauty aisle. Ajax isn’t good for faces I hear.

Take a minute, if you will, to think about your beauty routine before the kiddies. On a night out you may have spent hours getting your face just right. Contouring, highlighting, perfecting a flawless smokey eye. Daytime makeup was obviously a lot more toned down, but polished for sure. You may have even worked in one of those office type things and interacted with real life people. You made an effort, and it showed.

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Now your morning is like one of those weird Japanese obstacle course shows. You’ll attempt mascara while holding a crying baby. They’ll try and grab the wand out of your hand, covering themselves (and you) in black smears. You’ll poke your eye several times and give no shits about the fact that there is more mascara on your upper and lower lids than on the actual lashes. It will just blend in with the dark circles anyway.

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Foundation, as we know, can help even out your skin tone and cover blemishes. Forget the brushes, sponges and tools of yesteryear, smear what you can on with your fingers while policing an argument between siblings. Try and get something with sunscreen in it if you can. Getting burnt at the swings if never a good look, Rudolph.

Bronzer is your friend and will help you not look as bad as you feel. Most bronzers are named after exotic locations where people without kids like to holiday. This is probably the closest you’ll get for a while so close your eyes while you apply it and pretend you’re there.

You probably won’t need the rosy glow that a good blush can provide as likely you’ll be a hot flushed mess anyway after carrying a baby, screaming toddler and armfuls of shopping to the car. You can also achieve the same look by chasing your child around the park like a headless chook. Sexy.

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The natural alternative to blush  is to experience the joy of hearing your child share that they heard ‘mummy and daddy play fighting’ last night at preschool. See, no rouge needed.

Some ladies like to set their make up using a specially designed setting spray. It’s a fine mist that locks in moisture and keeps your foundation from sliding off. Don’t bother, your kid just sneezed in your face and that will probably do the same job.

Lipstick. Now only used by your child to draw on the walls. It was nice of you to buy them Chanel though. Goes really well with your cream couch (obviously also purchased pre-kids).

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A great hairstyle can really make you feel like a million dollars. If you’re anything like me you attend your hairdresser appointment armed with various pictures of celebrities, envisioning yourself rocking a similar do. It doesn’t really matter what you choose because you’ll just end up chucking your hair into a bun anyway. When a hairdresser says it’s a low maintenance style it’s likely they have no idea that a quick ‘go over’ with a straightener or curling wand isn’t going to happen.