When Rosie Waterland recently went looking for some tips on how to style her hair, she came face-to-face with the very complex world of beauty “experts”.
Hello! After much detailed research (googling some tips on how to style my hair and being blown away by the complexity of what I’m expected to do every morning), I have helpfully compiled a step-by-step guide on how to style your hair each day.
Here is The Only Acceptable Way To Style Your Hair, According To Every Beauty Writer Ever:
Base (do not even think about trying to style your hair unless you first take these steps):
1. Be born with genetically blessed and completely unattainable hair.
2. You must have your hair cut and styled by a Hair Architect every 2 – 3 weeks. It is very important that it’s a ‘Hair Architect’, and not just a hairdresser. You’re not a savage.
3. In between cuts, have hair trimmed every few days by an architect’s assistant. If you miss a trim, you will get split ends and then you might as well shave your head and never leave the house.
4. Once a week, you must get a professional treatment. Refer to your Hair Architect’s judgement on this, but it should at least involve sitting at a basin for three and a half hours, while a cream that was sourced from the volcanic mountains of Iceland is left to soak into your hair follicle. This will activate the negative proton enzymes, of which your’s no doubt need ‘serious work’. Note: Until the exact moment it makes contact with your hair, it’s very important that the cream only be handled by 85-year-old virgins who follow the paleo diet.
5. Start preparing at 7pm.
6. Rest your head upside down in a glass bowl filled with water for exactly 17 and a half minutes. The water must come from the fresh springs that run through the southern forests of Alaska.
7. Wrap hair in a steamed, pure cotton towel made by tribal elders in Mexico. Each towel may only be used three times before it’s compromised and can no longer be within a 50-foot radius of your head. Otherwise it will deactivate the negatised protons.
8. Apply your Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser Pre-Cleanser. Any standard Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser Pre-Cleanser will do, provided it’s been approved by the International Association of Hair Architects and has been featured on Vogue’s Instagram. Leave to soak for 43 minutes. If you are over or under this time limit by even 30 seconds, your hair will not respond to the Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser.
9. Apply Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser. Leave for 58 minutes. This is a great time to complete some of your Yogilateballetballbarre exercises. Every modern woman should be a multi-tasker. (Note: If you’re doing Yogilateballetlungebarre exercises, I don’t even have time to tell you how outdated that is. Head to your local converted barn that is now an exercise warehouse and ask the Byron Bay-trained Yogilateballetballbarre Guru where you’ve gone wrong in your life.)
10. Once you have successfully pre-cleansed to prepare for your pre-cleanser to prepare for your shampoo and conditioner, you may get into the shower to shampoo and condition. Obviously the shampoo and conditioner must be gluten-free. If your hair is even in the same room as a non gluten-free product, call 000 immediately. And pray.