Some of us want to see what $150,000 worth of interview looks like and we very much need to concentrate.
When news of the Sunday Night interview broke, not for one single moment did we believe we were above this. We knew where we’d be at 8:30pm on Sunday night, and were sure we had snacks in anticipation.
Our first thoughts regard the excessive exposed brick in Campion and Barnaby’s home and, look, we’re not… fans. It’s a bit much and frankly it’s dated and no this interview is not bringing out the best in any of us.
Anywho, we’re shown a little teaser for what’s to come and Barnaby has decided it’s a good time to blame his six-week-old baby who doesn’t even know what his own name is for this whole mess.
Barnaby says that sometimes he looks down into lil’ Sebastian’s face, with his blue eyes and entirely innocent soul, and thinks, “Boy, man, you’ve caused some problems.” He then cackles like a maniac and no.
Sebastian isn’t responsible for shit. All Sebastian did was get conceived, and now he sleeps and poops and cries.
And on Sunday night he was being bathed on national television which he is clearly feeling very uncomfortable about.
It's probably six minutes in when we see a clear shot of lil' Sebastian's testicles from behind, at which point we're forced to ask, "Haven't you put this boy through enough?"
Vikki laughs that Barnaby is "surprisingly good at changing a nappy," which really shouldn't be all that surprising given that he already has four children.
It's at this moment it becomes overwhelmingly obvious that this interviewer wasn't briefed... properly.
He seems to think he's interviewing Australia's answer to Justin Bieber on his latest celeb romance and no. This is not a love story we are invested in.
This is not Justin Bieber and his new girlfriend. No offence Barnaby and Vikki. This is the ex-deputy prime minister and the woman he left his wife for. We don't care about who 'made the first move'. We care about our taxpayer dollars. We care about the ethics of dating someone on your payroll. And also a little bit about who made the first move. Hehe.
But journalist Alex Cullen, wants to know about the sexual chemistry and he would like Barnaby to affectionately describe Vikki, please. "Sassy?" he asks as though a) one word is a complete question and b) 'sassy' is an appropriate way to describe a 33-year-old woman.
Barnaby does not... understand.
Being a serious journalist now, Cullen asks if the relationship Vikki and Barnaby had, while he was still married to his wife, was an affair.
"Well it's, I mean I suppose it's, in the the terminology of it... I suppose you'd say, it's a we met... we met each other, we're in a relationship. How you want to call it is that. That word comes with a form of pejorative attached to it..." and wut.
Barnaby maintains he doesn't want to bring his ex-wife Natalie into this, which he repeats again... and again and again... until Natalie has very much been brought into this. But we suppose the 'don't bring Natalie into it' line would be a lovely sentiment if not for the fact that Barnaby is now in a very public relationship with a former staffer and is holding his naked newborn up to the camera like LOOK WE DID A SEBASTIAN.
Then, all of a sudden, Barnaby's had it. He no longer wants to answer these silly questions.
And look. We don't know a lot about much, but... surely towards the very top of the list of "Things You're Not Allowed To Do" is accept $150,000 for an interview and then refuse to answer any questions.
But Vikki knows what's up.
She's signalling to the interviewer that she's got the goss. And when asked about what was said in a confrontation between her and Natalie Joyce, she says, "I can't repeat the words on television..."
Changing his strategy, Barnaby has now developed a new tactic to evade questions, by simply pretending he doesn't understand. We like it very much.
Cullen asks, "Who made the first move?" and Barnaby pretends to only speak Spanish and asks, "What do you mean?" before giving up on his own lie halfway through and rolling his eyes seemingly at himself.
When it comes to the discussion of fault, Vikki and Barnaby have their first onscreen fight and hell yes to be a fly on their exposed brick wall...
Barnaby bizarrely starts insisting "I'M AN ADULT... THE FAULT IS MINE," and Vikki is genuinely pissed off, having to remind her high level politician partner and the father of her newborn child, "I'm an adult too..."
Barnaby then decides to drop in that he definitely doesn't believe in abortion which precisely no one asked, while Vikki says she seriously considered it.
SHHH more fighting PLS.
It's about the time Barnaby told the media Vikki's baby's paternity was a "grey area" for no reason. He tries to explain that he and Vikki came to the decision together to release that information, but Vikki just... doesn't agree.
"I didn't say 'use the words grey area'," Vikki says, to which Barnaby laughs and responds, "OK".
What. Is. Going. On.
Cullen, becoming as confused as the rest of us, asks Vikki, "What did you want him to say?"
While she mentions that journalists were approaching Barnaby with rumours the baby wasn't his, at no point does it become clear why Barnaby ever thought it was a good idea to use the terms "grey area" about his now six-week-old son. It's a decision no one, least of all Barnaby, can explain.
Towards the end of the interview, Barnaby decides to take 'lil Sebastian into his office for a tour, despite the fact that he's now on 11 weeks leave because of all the bloody problems Sebastian keeps creating.
But there's an issue.
Barnaby is holding Sebastian like he is a stack of paper work and not a fragile child who is sleeping and needs to not be swung around these strange and potentially evil offices.
Cullen tries to laugh at Barnaby's jokes about how he'd "wonder what I did wrong" if his son joined the Greens (the... irony), but all he can think about is how he really wishes this red faced man would hold his son with two hands and stop blaming him for everything.
By the end of the interview, we're perhaps even more confused about this whole Barnaby-Joyce-ex-staffer-grey-area-too-much-exposed-brick-fiasco, but there's one thing we're certain of: How 'lil Sebastian should spend his money.
On the largest and most colourful Mardi Gras float of all time, adorned with a pro-choice sign, full of Greens supporters, and a slightly bigger Sebastian yelling his father's own words: "LET PRIVATE MATTERS REMAIN PRIVATE."