The key to success of a good whinge is picking your audience.
What you want is a crowd that is guaranteed to be either:
- In agreeance, or
- Too polite to tell you to shut up.
It’s all about choosing the right person, at the right time, and the right place.
People currently stuck in Bali: YOU MISSED THE MARK.
Complaining that you are stuck in Bali on a Monday morning, whilst the rest of Australia is bracing themselves for an ‘Arctic Vortex’ is not really the time or place to dump your sob story about being grounded in paradise. I mean seriously, it’s like they always say – you can never be too rich, too blonde, too skinny, and too stuck in Bali. Amiright?
So, in full confidence I will have an audience that is both sympathetic and most definitely in agreeance (although perhaps not too polite to tell me to shut up), here is my Monday Morning Whinge: 8 reasons I would rather be stuck in Bali today.
The most depressing day of the week. You’re staring down the barrel of five days of begrudging gym sessions, sensible (and sober) midweek meals, and work. Five. Whole. Days. Of. Work. Seriously, if anyone has good news for the world, don’t release it on a Monday – oh, you’re stuck in Bali? How nice. I hope that molten lava reaches your tropical honeymoon hut swiftly.
2. My fake tan line situation is getting dramatic
We’re deep winter here in Australia, so my skin has officially faded to a shade of pale blue. In order to avoid the incessant questioning of my blood-cell count I’ve opted for a light slick of Holiday Skin (OH, THE IRONY) which has still left an orange band around my wrist. Enjoy achieving actual holiday skin, without the impression of wearing a faintly mandarin-coloured skivvy.
3. We’re in an arctic vortex
When New York suffered during the Polar Vortex a few months back, we were all that little laughing emoticon that’s laughing so hard it has tears flying everywhere. Oh, what a gag! They were all bundled up and buying cans of baked beans and getting locked in their apartments. Aaaand then it happened to us.
And it’s not funny.
It’s very, very, cold.
4. I REPEAT, WE’RE IN AN ARCTIC VORTEX
You can only imagine how how irritating it is for us having to watch you on the telly moaning about being grounded in Bali, with the palm trees rustling gently in the background and the odd tropical bird flying past. Go cry into your pina colada and use your 100% cotton Turkish towel to wipe your tears, would you?
5. It’s a goddamn tropical paradise
You’re in the land of sand, surf, and Bintang singlets. Your days have consisted of choosing what type of shellfish you want for lunch, and ensuring an even rotisserie tan. One quote that really snagged me was the following snippet:
“After spending the night up trying to book accommodation and looking after his wife who was suffering from food poisoning, things only got worse for the family, he said.
“We got up and went outside for breakfast and we got attacked by a monkey – they basically jumped up and devoured our entire breakfast,” he said.
“The kids screamed and cried – so we’re there with an hour’s sleep, crying kids and a monkey eating our breakfast.”” – ABC Online
Watch below for a news report on the current situation in Bali.
Seriously, mate? That’s the best you can do? A MONKEY? You are in one of the world’s most beautiful tropical paradises and your biggest gripe is the monkey?
6. I’ve overdone the turtleneck
Hand on heart, I think I’m starting to get a reputation as ‘that girl with the turtleneck’. My winter look can best be described as “Steve Zissou meets Steve Jobs meets Marcel Marceau.” I actually forget what my neck looks like. And my legs. And my arms. As far as I am aware, my top layer of skin is now a poly-stretch wool blend that needs longer sleeves.
7. I need a holiday.
You know that feeling when you get off the bus and look around and can’t actually remember getting there? Or find yourself eating microwave porridge out of a cup whilst your underwear warms up on the heater? Or resort to listening to meditation music on the train just so you don’t tear the throat out of the person next to you because they are making that little whistling noise through their blocked nose? Yeah. That’s where I’m at. *eye twitch*
8. This is a once-in-a-lifetime stroke of good luck.
Just so we’re clear, you are living out the dream. You have had to extend your holiday in Bali and there is nothing you can do about it except order another watermelon margarita and get your hair braided. And all the while your boss is sitting here in East Sydney Siberia warming their hands on a bonfire made out of your old desk, shaking his fist in the air and cursing the day you were ever born.
So as I ease my frostbitten toes into my uggs tonight and consider how many frozen dumplings are too many for a single serving, I will think of you. I’ll try my hardest to conjure up some kind of sympathy for the Planet of the Apes hell-ish nightmare you’re living out. I promise to attempt to not wince as you complain on the news about your battles with Webjet. I might even take a look around my icy apartment and think: boy, am I glad that’s not me.
But it’s very unlikely.
Why would you rather be stuck in Bali today?
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