I know as much about wedding style trends as my mum knows about memes (or as she calls them, mem-ez).

Nothing.

Literally, not one single thing.

I’ve never searched ‘weddings’ on Pinterest, and I have extremely poor attention to detail. If you had a chalkboard at your wedding, I most definitely didn’t notice it.

Monique Bowley, Holly Wainwright and I discuss the wedding trends we can’t stand on this week’s episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below. 

But this week I came across an article in Vogue titled, 14 Wedding Trends to Avoid in 2017: Flower Crowns, Food Trucks, and More.

Firstly, the term ‘food truck’ makes me both hungry and excited.

Secondly, I couldn’t name 14 wedding trends if I tried.

And thirdly, I am nowhere near being engaged/ I don’t even know if I’ll get married, and I already know I’m doing it wrong.

Vogue is going to f*cking hate my wedding. 

Best day of our lives ❤ @peter_stefanovic

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Here are the 14 things they advise we avoid this year at all costs.

1. Naming your drinks. I didn’t know this was a thing, but apparently couples invent a drink for their wedding, like the ‘Jessitita’ or ‘Jessitini’. Vogue says it’s dated, I say take any opportunity in life to employ a witty pun.
2. Family style dinners. No passing around food platters and making it hard work for the guests. Instead, Vogue is all about “plated elegance”. We’re all about “we will eat whatever you give us for free.”
3. The multicourse dinner. On the subject of food, 11 courses that go on and on is apparently very 2016. Guests want fewer meals that will actually fill them up. Again, any and all food is fine by us.
4. Rustic and boho-themed weddings. This means rustic elements like wood slices, teepees, feathers, arrows and dream catchers, are all on their way out.

5. Garlands as table runners. Vogue says that although they look nice as they fall down the end of the table, they look sloppy and messy everywhere else.

6. Massive bridal parties. Vogue calls them the "clown car of bridal parties", because they just keep coming. Woohoo - good news for people who don't have many friends!

7. The giant bouquet. As a general rule, the bride should look like they're carrying the bouquet and not vice versa.

8. The all-white wedding. Well, awks if your wedding is next weekend and your whole bridal party will be decked out in white. Apparently 2017 is all about a bit of colour to "liven things up".

9. Converse or cowboy boots with formal wear. Apparently they've very much "seen their day".

10. Adopting a trend that is at odds with the space. Okay - this all sounds very complicated. But something about neutral tones and how they can be completely washed out in some settings. The idea is, hay bales make sense in a farm environment, but not in an industrial one.

11. Flower crowns. I wore a flower crown to my First Holy Communion in Year Three and it was bigger than my head. I wore it because my grandmother wanted me to, and I stand by that decision. But Vogue says stay away from the flower crown for your big day.

12. A homepage-of-Pinterest wedding. This means chalkboards and bohemian naked cakes are out. If you've purchased a naked cake and now need to dispose of it, you could send it to our office pls.

13. Food trucks. Apparently they've got "15 minutes left," so let's eat as much as we can.

14. The bride's family footing the bill. This is pretty much the only one I completely agree with. In 2017, it's all about splitting it.

Personally, I'm completely overwhelmed by these rules.

What's the key take away? Well, it all comes down to the guest list.

Never, ever, invite someone who works for Vogue to your wedding.  And be sure to book 12 food trucks.

Are you a fan of any of these weddings trends? 

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. 

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