OK, so today I’m really, horrifically, disproportionately upset.
And it’s not… funny.
You see, a certain Australian publication engaged in some
stalking sleuthing and took photos of the winning couple in a hotel hallway. They then presented us with an ‘Exclusive Spoiler’ smack bang in the middle of their homepage, revealing right in the headline who the winner of The Bachelorette is.
The word ‘spoiler’ was in no way intended as a legitimate spoiler warning as Sophie Monk and the winner’s names followed in the headline immediately after. Oh, and the accompanying photos were PAPARAZZI SHOTS OF THE COUPLE. They clearly need reminding this is not the way a spoiler warning is meant to be used.
WHO THE HELL EMPLOYED SOMEONE TO WAIT OUTSIDE SOPHIE MONK’S HOTEL AND TRACK HER MOVEMENTS. WHO THOUGHT IDENTIFYING THE WINNER WOULD BE A ‘FUN’ ACTIVITY IN TABLOID JOURNALISM. WHO DECIDED THAT SPOILING THE ONE TV SHOW ANYONE’S WATCHING ON ACTUAL TELEVISION WAS A NOBLE PURSUIT. THESE SENTENCES HAVE NO QUESTION MARKS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT QUESTIONS THEY ARE VERY ANGRY STATEMENTS.
Listen to Clare Stephens rant to Laura Brodnik about the people who spoiled The Bachelor earlier this year. (Post continues after audio.)
In a world where Kim Jong-un may or may not detonate a nuclear weapon, where one of our politicians wore a burqa in parliament for no reason, and where (allegedly) someone, somewhere still thinks Crocs constitute appropriate footwear, sometimes we just need to watch an attractive woman be presented with 20+ eligible males in a quest to find love, and invest ourselves fully in the process.
Yes, it’s heteronormative. Yes, 80 per cent of the men could be reasonably mistaken for one another. But it is MY show to ruin, however I see fit. And no one has any right to take that away from me.
Of course, for the last two seasons of The Bachelor (Alex vs. Nikki) and The Bachelorette (Lee vs. Matty), the winner felt like a complete surprise. In the final moments of show, Australia’s collective reaction looked
a little something exactly like this:
Now that magic has been robbed from us.
I've spent today contemplating who, specifically, I'm angry with. Of course, I'm furious that anyone thinks spoilers make for a legitimate story. Theories, yes. Weird clues that are open to interpretation, of course. But actual spoilers? That's... that's some sick sh*t.
But I'm also angry at Sophie Monk. Please, you had one job. You just need to sit in your Gold Coast home and not move/speak/make eye contact/breathe for approximately 6-8 weeks. IS THAT SO HARD? Ok I have no idea if that's hard or not and it probably most likely is very hard. BUT STILL WHY.
Her (alleged) winning man could've at least thrown us a red herring or two. Post some photos from the show with cryptic captions that suggest you might be "moving on".
And what about the production crew and publicity team? It's the night the finale is airing. If you're going to take publicity shots, please do it in a more secure location. As in not a hotel. What about one of the crew member's homes? No one would have thought to look there.
Listen to Bach Chat of the penultimate episode:
Most of all, however, I'm angry with myself. I watch this show ironically. Why do I... care so much? Why am I so heartbroken that it's ruined?
It all comes down to one word: investment. Of time, energy, but also thought.
And frankly, I'm just done with everything being ruined all the time. Like Game of Thrones. (Which now feels like a lifetime ago.)
It needs to stop. As much as we all deny it, we want surprises. And it's becoming harder and harder to get them.
Note: I have chosen not to name the (presumed) winner of The Bachelorette. But if you feel like you need to know (which you don't), you can click here.
To catch up on The Bachelorette recaps, click here.
You can follow Clare Stephens on Facebook here.