Tonight we begin with a rehashing of last week’s events, and you would be forgiven for having NO GODDAMN IDEA what show you’re watching anymore.
More than a minute and a half in, there has been absolutely no mention of Georgia Love, who even changed her surname for this ridiculous enterprise.
The focus is mainly on the tension between Sam and Rhys, which, to be completely honest, is the most interesting thing that’s ever happened in either of our lives. It’s just…relentless. It’s like…it’s like Shark Tank, except they’re selling themselves, and they genuinely don’t care if anyone bids. WHAT IS GOING ON? WERE THEY NOT PROPERLY BRIEFED?
Anywho, enough with our ramblings, because the mens be speaking. They're clearly waiting around for Osher to arrive with a date card when someone asks Sam if he's frustrated. For context, Sam is one of the only dudes who hasn't had a single date. "No, why would I be frustrated?" he asks, genuinely perplexed. Guys he doesn't know he's on a dating show and someone should tell him because he will be sad when he doesn't win the prize money.
Under his breath we swear we hear him say, "Eugh. Who is Georgia anyway and why is she always here..."
Osher arrives, and his behaviour is disconcertingly normal for a moment. That's until he waves and his hand is way too high, looking more like a stop sign than a hello greeting. Osher, please.
Courtney gets a single date and he desperately wants to give it back so his bros don't hate on him.
People ask Sam if he's okay, and still confused about why everyone is so obsessed with this Geraldine chick, he says "I'm actually happy she chose him instead of him" while looking directly at Rhys, who is sulking in the corner with his fake broken arm. We will stop reporting on the Sam and Rhys tension when it stops being so f*cking funny.
We're a quarter way into the episode and finally Georgia makes an appearance.
You see, it's always been her dream to go on Safari, but since Channel 10 blatantly ignored her several requests to fly to Africa for the day, they have to settle for Australia Zoo in Canberra. Jesus, we're so sorry.
It's a lot like Safari except for the fact that it isn't at all. There are meerkats that we're pretty sure aren't meant to be hanging out with human beings - but this is GEORGIA'S DATE so she does what she pleases. She picks one up by the tail and swings it around yelling "CUTE, cute, listen to it squeal!" Courtney laughs and then they have a threesome with a rhino.
Okay, so that is not exactly how it happened. But Courtney does end up kissing a rhino on the lips and Georgia makes a joke about it not receiving a rose.
At this point, Georgia's strategy is bleedingly obvious: Even if she doesn't find a guy she likes out of this whole kit and kaboodle, at least she'll get to see lots of animals. Well played, Georgia, well played.
She takes Courtney to a quiet room literally surrounded by lions and then asks him if he likes her. Surprisingly, he agrees with everything she says and passionately kisses her.
Back at the house, Osher makes his SECOND visit for the episode, and you can sense the confusion in the air. One of the guys mutters, "Osh, dude, are you lost?"
But he whips out another date card. And it's the GODDAMN BATTLE WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. HOLY MOLEY. Two men will go on this date, and only one will return.
The imminent showdown between Sam and Rhys has kept us up all week.
What will they do?
What will they say?
Will they pretend to know who Georgia is? Out of...politeness?
In a piece to camera, Sam says, "I'll be fine as long as Rhys be's himself," and we know that a) Sam needs to work on his plurals, and b) no one is going to be fine.
In response to Sam's constant jabs, Rhys makes an awkward joke about not needing to do anything for Georgia to pick him and we audibly groan because we're pretty sure he just stole that joke from Sam two minutes ago.
On the way to the date, Sam and Rhys literally only banter about being better than each other and don't mention Georgia at all.
Like, better...how? Better...at what? Georgia-ing? Because you're both failing. That's why you're on this date.
Rhys explains that no ones better than him and it's just so reminiscent of the dorky kid being bullied by the cool kid on the handball court in Year 3.
They arrive at Luna Park, and Rhys says "Oh, there's the good looking Georgia."
Ew.
She looks at them both and says "Hiiii guuuys", like you do when you run into someone on the street who you've never really liked.
They enter Coney Island and Sam can see potato sacks and a slide but he can sense he should be drinking the adult champagne.
The three of them (reluctantly) sit down and Rhys tells the camera that he's not the kind of guy to sabotage Sam, before intentionally sabotaging Sam.
Seconds later he returns to the camera and says "I'll do what I have to do."
Given that Rhys has now sabotaged Sam by telling Georgia that he literally wants to move to the other side of the world, Sam somehow makes Rhys dance. With a broken arm.
Sam does that 12-year-old boy thing where he says it's really cool when what he really means it's not that cool.
He then tells the camera that if Rhys goes missing in the Haunted House then it's definitely not his fault, and we think that maybe Sam just threatened to kill Rhys.
Georgia then separates the two because they are becoming unbearable. It becomes apparent that Rhys has...ditched his sling, which confirms our theory that it was a fake broken arm all along. Their conversation goes as follows:
Georgia: So, love. Thoughts? Feelings?
Rhys: Eh, it's a bit lame, tbh.
Georgia: But then, why are we here?
Rhys: ...To beat Sam.
Georgia: I don't want to lead you on...
Rhys: Yeah, well, you definitely haven't. Because you never invited me on any dates.
Georgia: Oh, yeah. That's because you're exceedingly unpleasant to be around.
Rhys: Bitch.
Georgia: I want you to go home now.
Rhys: I want you to go home now.
Georgia: Get off my Merry Go Round.
Rhys: For the record, I don't want you, but don't choose Sam. Pls?
Georgia: Get off my Merry Go Round.
We immediately cut to Sam going down the slide in Coney Island yelling, "WOOO, coming down!" and it's clear that while Georgia's been talking to Rhys he's taken full advantage of the available activities.
Georgia asks Sam if he wants a drink and if she wasn't speaking to a fully grown man you'd think she was speaking to a four-year-old, which is rude, because Sam is clearly 12 and he would like a Fanta with no ice, pls.
We're not sure we've ever seen happiness like the look on Sam's face when Georgia tells him she sent Rhys home.
"I've won!" he tells himself, wondering how on earth he's going to spend all the prize money.
He then excitedly tells her about how he plans to move to Florida to do acting, modeling and presenting. He thinks this experience is great because "it's given me a little kick to get me moving quicker."
Georgia asks if he sees this as an opportunity to be on camera, and he says that yes, yes he does.
DUDE NO.
Then, as if he hasn't already made a complete dick of himself, he lightheartedly says, "If I left this experience without you, I wouldn't be heartbroken."
He continues to dig his grave, deep, deep into the ground and Sam fans everywhere are yelling at their televisions "LIE SAM. JUST LIE. SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHAT IS TRUE."
He smiles, oblivious to our screams and says "If you don't like me, I'll be upset but not...yeah."
Jesus f*cking Christ, who even cast for this show? Did you not ask him if he would like a girlfriend? Because he definitely does not. The only thing missing from his life was a Rhys and now he is complete in a way he never could have imagined.
Georgia diplomatically starts to say "well I guess there's no right or wrong way.."
Yes, Georgia. Yes there is. And Sam...oh dear God this really went badly.
She boots Sam off primarily because he has no desire to be here anymore given that Rhys has gone home.
The boys back in the mansion are starting to get nervous.
They know Rhys has left because some anonymous man with a very bizarre beard came and took his suitcase.
But the bearded man...returns. And he takes...the other suitcase. The boys are broken.
Jake says to the camera "I want Sam to come through the door and say 'I got you, you pretzels!' or something like that..." and we actually feel so sad and nostalgic for that time Sam was calling everyone peanuts and pretzels.
Georgia has thrown a fit at the producers who set her up with a bunch of outright dickheads, so organises a masquerade party which is a very complex and intelligent metaphor for the fact she has no idea who any of these men are behind their physical faces.
Some of the guys seem to pick up the hidden meaning, and it makes us sad, because Sam would have never understood the hidden meaning but would have made fun of Rhys' (stupid) mask.
The other Matt (the one that is definitely going home tonight) breaks out into this WEIRD SPEECH about how the man Georgia ends up with needs to be there for her and provide for her "physically" and "emotionally", and all the other dudes are like "er, are you the bag guy?".
Matty J is getting restless because he has suddenly realised he's in with a shot, so calls Georgia over for a game.
It's called "Let's play getting to know Matty J", and it involves Matty quizzing Georgia about himself.
EUGH. When will these dudes GET IT?
No more poems, no more games, no more tricks, no more magic desserts and no more quizzes.
JUST TREAT HER LIKE A GODDAMN HUMAN BEING AND YOU MIGHT GET SOMEWHERE.
They all go into the rose ceremony and it's exceedingly clear who's going home. They're even wearing the same f*cking suit.
If we thought Georgia Love was done with everyone's sh*t last week, now she's really, really done.
No more people she doesn't know.
No more people who don't know her.
No more people who think they're on Survivor.
She's here to find a f*cking husband, and you all better behave.
You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook here.
Listen to the Bach Chat team dissecting tonight's episode here:
Meet the men of The Bachelorette 2016
