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Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: Two men face off in a double date decider.

Oh.

We’re here… again.

Apart from Ali chasing the boys around the paddock, snappin’ the elastic on their tighty whities, and yelling out “GOOD HORSEY, NAYYYYYY”, nothing has happened on this GODDAMN show for the past three weeks.

Ivan shan’t stop dancing.

Bill/David is still confused about his transition.

Even Paddy is still whispering “F.I.T” when the cameras aren’t looking.

But here we are… persisting.

We open on someone calling Charlie “Charles” which seems… unfitting, given his entire role in this series is to show people “THE F*CKING DOOR” while downing schooners.

Osher has been released from the air conditioning vent above, where he’s been hiding all week while Charlie points at doors and yells. He explains to the boys that Ali is looking for “love” and “honesty” and not a small Middle Eastern country.

He pulls a double decider date card out of his magical sack and scurries up the wall and back into the air conditioning vent to watch the drama unfold.

Ivan is on the date card because… dancing. 

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"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO REGIONALS."

Bill/David is also on the date as HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN NAME AND THAT'S CONFUSING FOR US.

Ivan starts crying because he might not achieve his dream of becoming a shit Channing Tatum after all.

The boiz meet Ali at a restaurant which somehow feels... unsettling. Why isn't anyone jumping out of a goddamn plane pls.

While Bill/David cooks lunch, Ali explains to Ivan that she's concerned he might wanna be a shit Channing Tatum too much and that could stand in the way of her womb.

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Ivan says he wants to kiss Ali but she politely... recoils, so he has to settle with enjoying the sweat on her hand. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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"IT REMINDS ME OF CHANNING TATUM."

Oh.

The producers be doin' a troll.

While Bill/David and Ali have a chat, they send Ivan into the kitchen to make dessert with... avocados.

Ivan, who has been very busy impersonating Channing Tatum all his life, is yet to come across an... avocado.

He places the two whole avocados into the blender and tries to do a blend.

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It's very confusing for him.

Meanwhile, Ali is trying to tell Bill/David that Charlie did a sneak and dobbed on him, but Bill/David can't hear her over the sound of raw avocado seeds grinding against metal.

Bill can't understand why Ali doesn't like the white heterosexual male he used to be nor the white heterosexual male he is now.

Back in the kitchen, Ivan has somehow managed to blend two whole avocados for... dessert. 

We unpack the best moments from Ali's latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio. 

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He presents them to the table and it's actually quite terrifying.

Back at the mansion, Charlie threatens to walk if Bill/David comes back from the double date and sweetie that's not how this show works.

After some close ups of the rose in an unnecessary mirrored box, Ali sends Ivan home so he can chase his dream of being a shit Channing Tatum.

Ali tells Ivan she wants him to "dance all over the world" and he says "I want to dance for you" before dramatically walking out the door and JESUS CHRIST maybe this is a Channing Tatum movie that just ended way too quickly.

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Bill/David returns to the mansion and Charlie be fumin'.

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"I ALREADY DID A POINT."

He does a storm off but later returns because he doesn't have anywhere to be and he needs his $36 a day.

PAUSE.

It's group date time and Osher has stolen some small humans.

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"If you're really good, Uncle Osher will buy you some decapitated doll heads and a small dead fish."
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The men must prove they can build a bicycle for the fruit of their loins because that's important.

Charlie is very fast at putting together a small human's bike, almost like he's done it... before.

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"Ssssssshhhh... Ali musn't know."

Sssshhhh.

It's cocktail party time.

Despite just having some one-on-one time with Ali, Charlie has been knockin' back some schooners and he would like to start some shit.

He speaks to Bill/David and tells him not to take offence to him yelling "THERE'S THE F*CKING DOOR" all the time.

But then he sees Bill/David talking to Ali and starts yelling about THE F*CKING DOOR again.

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"DO YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF ENTRIES AND EXITS ORRR"
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There's a rose ceremony. Jules, a literal angel sent from Osher's air conditioning vent to remind of us everything good and pure in this world, is sent home.

He yells out "INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING" and then promptly climbs into the air conditioning vent to play a game of Guess Who with Osher.

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"HAIR UP OR DOWN PLS."

Goodbye sweet angel.

You were too good for this world.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

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Catch up on the recaps here: 

Episode 1: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A kiss leaves the men fuming. 

Episode 2: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man breaks the bro code.

Episode 3Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A tug-of-war sparks an epic feud between two men.

Episode 4: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man brings up “the stairs” and is shown the door.

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