I have a theory about those viral food-making videos that permeate our news feeds: the ones that show you how a meal is put together in under two minutes and have revolutionised the way we watch videos.
They are fascinating, strangely satisfying to watch and look delicious. But they probably don’t taste that good.
It’s the same for a lot of things. Or, more specifically, a lot of sexy things.
Alex and Richie no doubt would have learned this the hard way when filming the Bachelor this year, when they set foot in that now infamous chocolate bath.
An entire bath full of chocolate? Chocolate lovers across the world rejoiced after initially being introduced to the litres upon litres of melted cocoa.
But after about 10 seconds, a certain few words popped into our minds. Or one, more specifically: Thrush.
The same thought process went through our minds in last nights' episode of The Bachelorette, after the boys were instructed to strip their clothes of and lather their torsos in oil.
And initially, it was very sexy in theory. I mean, look at this:
However, after our brains turned back on, hearts stopped beating and our eyes safely retreated back into our eyesocketes, we began thinking of all the very inconvenient things that happen when you are covered heat-to-toe in oil.
1. Nearly broken shoulders.
I didn't even have to think this one up myself. It bloody-well-goddamn happened. Poor poetic Rhys was left with a nearly broken shoulder when his oiled-up rig was taken to ground by Matty in a weird game the producers called wrestling.
2. Everything sticks to you.
Dare I remind you what happened on The Parent Trap when poor old camp leader Marva Kulp, Sr. was covered in something sticky and then showered in feathers? Damage. That's what happened.
3. Everything you touch becomes greasy.
That's it. Everything they touch will become greasy. Clothes, face, hair. Even Georgia.
4. Not so good for the old skin.
Surely the one thing we're told from day zero of being an Australian is to keep your skin out of the Australian sun. And adding oil to your skin? The biggest no-no of all. Keep that out of the sun.
5. Oil + water = hell.
Have you ever tried to wash excess oil from a pan? Or from your skin? It simply doesn't work. Oil and water cancel each other out and neither work very well around each other. Imagine the boys having to shower all that oil off. Not fun.
6. Being mistaken for a sausage.
This one is, of course, less obvious but still very important. The men had the potential for someone to mistake them for a sausage, throw them on a BBQ, cook them up and then put them in a piece of bread, cover them with onions, tomato sauce and mustard and then be eaten.