We begin with Sam explaining to viewers, “I’d say I’m the front runner now.”
Oh, honey no.
You have approximately as much of a chance at winning as Blake, and Blake has literally no chance at all.
Osher arrives to interrupt Sam’s bizarre inner monologue and even he is shooken by Luke’s elimination.
He pretends he is comfortable with Sophie’s decision, but when no one else is looking we hear him mutter, “If Sophie came on this goddamn show to end up with a multi-millionaire she met a year ago I swear to God…”
Osher, pls. You have a date card to deliver.
It turns out Apollo is going on the single date, and everyone seems very frazzled and confused and can't stop saying the words "big statement" and "new front runner".
But, guys. Everyone's forgotten something.
It's Apollo's face.
Of course Sophie wants another goddamn date with him. She needs to kiss Apollo as many times as possible before she settles down with the multi-millionaire who followed her into the television. That's important.
The entire concept for this date involves Apollo being covered in puppies and Sophie... watching.
Back at the mansion, James tells the group, "I was in the kitchen ah just making some ah food and this ah appeared," and omg James seriously that is not what happened.
He is sweating. Shaking. And his delivery is exceptionally poor.
We have never been so sure in all of our lives that someone is lying.
And as everyone knows James would never lie. Unless a pushy producer forced him to, which they did.
It's at this point we notice Sam appears to have an ankle injury for no reason.
Sam. You have one job. It's to sit around and wait to get asked on a date. Nothing about that involves breaking a goddamn joint.
Everyone is going on the group date so like... yeah. Thanks for wasting our time.
Back on the single date, Apollo and Sophie are doing 'doga' which is like 'yoga' but with the word 'dog' awkwardly integrated.
The puppies just sort of sit on the mat hating life wondering why they're being handled by strangers and at one point Sophie's dog mutters "f*ck this" and sits in a garden.
It becomes painstakingly clear why doga isn't like... a mainstream thing... so Apollo and Sophie drink wine and invent nonexistent barriers in their relationship instead.
Sophie has only one concern with Apollo. It's that he's an "entertainer" and that's what she went on The Bachelorette to get away from.
Apollo tells the camera that, yes, his 'job' (he's... he's a magician) has gotten in the way of his previous relationships.
But... why? And more importantly... how?
ANYWHO it's group date time, and Osher has organised the first ever Bachelorette regatta.
They are split into two teams, and they will race twice to determine a winner.
We are at week 85 of this franchise and not ONCE has a game had a logical premise. Not one time.
Osher. Sweetie. What if they win one game each? What then? Why not do best of three? Or better yet, just race once?
There is only one notable thing that happens, and it's that Jarrod is concentrating so hard we're pretty sure he poos himself.
In the end it's a tie, which has us asking: Why compete at all? What a waste of... boats.
Sophie gets to choose one man to spend more time with - a decision she could have easily made three hours ago without the sailing.
She chooses Blake, and asks the important question of why he's seemed so distracted, and hasn't made any effort to pursue her this entire season.
The reason is obviously that he has been too busy pissing in pot plants, but he decides to go with, er, "barriers".
OH EXCUSE US THERE'S ANOTHER DATE PLS.
Sam has been granted his second with Sophie, and she arrives in a hummer. He is sweating with excitement and it's... off putting.
Sophie has a sense that Sam might be using The Bachelorette for his own career gain (WHHHHHAT?) which is probably because Sam is absolutely using The Bachelorette for his own career gain.
Sam explains that he sees a lot of potential in Sophie, and tells her that he is a musician but also a voice over artist but also really good at acting, and WE QUOTE: "I can teach you."
Oh no he didn't.
WHO EVEN ARE YOU SAM. WE DON'T KNOW YOU.
He.. no sorry we can't even type this it's too embarrassing. He... he says he can... send some of his music to Sophie.
This is the worst thing we've ever seen.
Sam then goes on a tangent about how he brings some sort of "magic dusty stuff" to relationships, which we're fairly certain is just known as 'cocaine', and "anyone who I'm with, they're very lucky. I make a good team mate."
It's cocktail party time and Sam can't stop talking about how strong his connection is with Sophie, and it's unfair on the other guys because he's going to win, and "I get roses. That's what I do."
Sophie emerges and Jarrod abducts her to SHOW THAT HIS PLANT HAS GROWN A LIL' BIT PLS.
Just before the rose ceremony, Blake and Sam make a weird pact that only the other person is allowed to have Sophie and tell each other, "I'd be happy to come second to you, bro" and THIS ISN'T MEANT TO BE ABOUT WINNING IT'S MEANT TO BE ABOUT SOPHIE. WHY DOES NO ONE REALISE THIS.
Osher tells us that tonight, two men are leaving, which seems... excessive.
But when it comes down to the final three, Sophie requests that everyone else please leave the rose ceremony room and oh goodness.
First, she obviously sends AJ home because he hasn't said a word in a week and can't spell the word 'cuisine'. He seems unphased.
But once he's gone, Sophie walks up to Sam and Blake and asks them why they're here, and if she knows who they really are etc. etc. Eventually, she sends Sam home mostly because she finally acknowledges how funny it was that Blake pissed in Jarrod's plant, and she'd like him to keep doing that pls.
Sam leaves in a huff, saying it's"HER LOSS" and that "NOW SHE DOESN'T GET TO MEET MY FAMILY," and... okay.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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