Excuse us, but Jarrod says the atmosphere in the mansion is the lowest it has ever been, and we think it has
something everything to do with the fact someone peed in his pot plant.
He obviously plans to spend the next several hours conducting a thorough investigation (collecting specimens, examining the crime scene, taking fingerprints, etc), but to throw everyone off he pretends he’s really just annoyed about the intruders.
“You’ve got some big shoes to fill, we’re not going to make it easy on you,” he says to no one in particular, and Stu acknowledges, “it’s not hard to notice the brotherhood you guys had already built”.
Jarrod nods in agreement, but mate, someone peed in your love fern with the pure intention of hurting your feelings.
All of a sudden people start yelling BOIZ BOIZ BOIZ WHHEYYYYY and it becomes clear Luke has located the date card. We realise Osher isn't here because he's just definitely attending a compulsory OH&S meeting about the bike polo situation.
The date goes to James and... no.
No one has ever been as happy as James in this moment.
He has butterflies because of course he does. But he shouldn't.
Because Sophie is making them do 'street performing' which is literally our worst nightmare, mostly because no one ever wants to watch anyone do a 'street perform'. She says she wants to do it on this date because she loves it, which sounds like a lie, but okay.
Sophie decides to rap badly which is odd given she's quite literally a professional singer. She rhymes the line 'that's all I know' with 'what's he doin' and WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO BE HERE. Approximately seven people watch and then it ends abruptly.
SHHH it's group date time pls.
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Ryan announces that the date is back-to-school themed and it takes approximately four seconds for Blake to become creepy "I'm just going to be a bad boy so she puts me in detention," he says, and then in case we didn't get the sex reference he repeats, "I'm going to cause trouble... maybe I'll get a bit of discipline".
No, but also ew.
On their date, Sophie has literally started crying because James is being so... James. She says, "James makes me feel really good about myself," and omg same.
He tells Sophie the most important thing is "finding your happiness," and "'if you can make one of my biggest fears into laughter, like you did today, you can do anything".
FFS James is a beacon of light in this cesspit of darkness and we're not even a little bit coping.
She kisses him because of his face but also his soul, and it's all very lovely.
Eugh now it's actually time for the group date and we miss James already. Everyone's dressed in school uniforms and for the second time tonight Stu yells "I LEFT SCHOOL BEFORE THESE GUYS WERE BORN," but no.
Osher cannot stop laughing.
It's the funniest thing he's ever heard.
Sophie mentions that she wasn't good at school and failed every single year, so Jarrod decides he was also not good at school because he and Sophie are the same person and he wants to live inside her skin and maybe ingest her hair. "I was bad at school too," he interrupts and absolutely no one believes him.
It's appears Osher has SOMEHOW been granted permission to design another nonsensical game with far too many phases, but has been specifically told: a) no bikes, b) no grass, and c) no bike polo.
The first task is making a paper aeroplane and this entire activity is beyond humiliating. Stu goes first and his throw is the worst thing we've ever seen, but when Sophie casually jokes, "you're the best so far" Osher's laugh...just echoes throughout the hall.
This man loves games more than anyone we've ever known.
After too many phases we end up with the men answering maths questions and we're very much hoping Jarrod is still acting 'bad at school' to impress Sophie, because otherwise we have an issue.
Speaking of issues:
If there was such a thing as the opposite to rain man, Sam is it.
At one stage he's asked 120-56, and exclaims with pure certainty: 178!
Ryan starts laughing and says, "YOU PLUSSED IT THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!" but... but. Even if... there's still a... there's still an extra 2.
Somehow Ryan wins because the intruder "threw the game" by spelling 'cuisine' like 'quizine' and honestly we goddamn hope he threw the game.
Sophie and Ryan go to a random couch and with all these distractions we forgot he's just definitely going to say something offensive. He starts talking about how his relationships have always been "private" (... good?) and then says he'd be okay with being in the spotlight "if I think you're worth it".
You see, he doesn't know if Sophie is worth it yet. She brings up that one time he said he likes women who "take care of themselves," and are "respectful" (by not swearing) and how it's awkward because her name is Sophie Monk and she is quite literally neither of those things.
He reiterates that yes he thinks it's important for a woman to take care of herself and Sophie doesn't... get it. So she suggests he "go off and meet the right girl" because "I promise you it's not me from talking to you".
Ryan agrees but then as he walks out he aggressively yells "BULLSH*T" so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
IT'S THE COCKTAIL PARTY PLS and Jarrod has finally finished conducting his pot plant investigation. He speaks to Sophie who brags that her pot plant has been growing and now he's really, really mad.
He interrogates Blake who he believes did it (because he stole a urine sample and it matched the urine in the pot plant, etc), but um, we know who did it.
It was straight up Apollo.
Jarrod calls it "messed up" that someone peed in his pot plant, but frankly we would call it inevitable. He also says it's really "pissed" him off which is funny because someone pissed in his pot plant.
At the rose ceremony, Guy is sent home which is sad but also... fine. The pot plant got substantially more air time that he did.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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