There are a few things that are inevitable on every season of The Bachelorette and it is time we acknowledged them.
1) Osher WILL try to become one of tha boiz, but not be fully accepted because he keeps secrets (you know who is on that date card, you wrote it pls).
2) When the date card is read out it will be met with a collective AYYYYYEEE and/or WHEEEEY from the men which quickly becomes both repetitive and tiresome.
Tonight, we begin with Osher entering the mansion yelling “MORNING GENTLEMAN” in a pitch that doesn’t quite… work. It is evident he practised his greeting numerous times in the lead up in order to impress his fellow dude bros.
The date card contains a clue about ‘old fashioned values’ and Jarrod pipes up that it’s probably about him because he stomps on grapes in a barrel and people don’t do that so much anymore and… no.
This date is not for you. You already had your turn and you imposed a pot plant on Sophie against her will and she needs her space now.
The single date is for Apollo, mostly because of this:
On the way there, Sophie says it's Apollo's 'magic tricks' that attracted her to him which is definitely a lie but okay.
They arrive at a castle, and immediately Sophie demands Apollo wear a suit because they're obviously doing a 1950s style photo shoot for absolutely no reason.
Somehow the photo shoot is dictated by questions she asks him about his life, and it is sort of like charades, but mostly Sophie's concept for this date is literally just Apollo at a castle and precisely all of us are fine with that.
They discuss what you can do for your partner after they've had a long day at work, and Sophie says something about a foot massage - an act which we believe to be more intimate than sex.
In order to visually represent their conversation for the photo shoot (WTF IS GOING ON) Apollo puts his feet on Sophie's lap and she touches them with her actual hands and describes them as "moist" and of course they're moist they're feet.
Any discussion of feet is too much discussion about feet, and after Sophie has finished touching a goddamn stranger's feet, Apollo catches her SNIFFIN' HER FINGERS.
No... no no. No. No.
There shan't be anymore feets this season. If we see so much as a toe in the next few episodes we will personally write to Channel 10 because there are children watching for goodness sake.
For the next five to seven minutes the date becomes unexpectedly... awkward.
They dance to weird old music with no melody as though they're in a movie and why are they in costumes that's not how normal dating works.
Back at the mansion, the group date is announced and everyone's going so WHY DID WE HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THE READING OUT OF THE NAMES? Respect our time, pls.
Oh. We return to the never-ending date, and in this old mansion Apollo legit looks like a ghost.
He tells Sophie that he's never had a bad break-up, which isn't surprising given his face. We also realise that to Sophie, he's not Apollo. He's A-pole-low, and she just wants someone "who wants mwee for mwee".
They kiss and he gets a rose and Jesus what's Osher up to.
Well. Osher has been busy solving Sophie's problems, which she definitely did not ask him to do.
She is, according to Osher, who is an unreliable source, concerned that some of the younger men in the house aren't ready to have a family and settle down. So Osher has a plan. And it involves a helicopter. But also bicycles.
Osher has found some intruders that are "older" and he is very pleased with himself.
Blake makes a joke about wheelchairs and dude they're the same age as Sophie wtf.
The helicopter descends from nowhere, and Osher's laughing really, really hard.
Guy is the first intruder to meet Sophie and Jarrod tells the camera that it's hard because "we have a bond between the guys in the house".
Oh... no you don't.
After meeting Sophie, Guy greets the men and Sam gets mad because "HE DIDN'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE," and starts on some rant about how Guy mustn't have been to "big boy school" where apparently you a) learn to respect your girlfriend's other boyfriend's, and b) learn to refer to women's breasts as 'cans' and leer at them until they are physically obliged to tell you to stop.
HAVE SOME RESPECT, GUY. JESUS.
Next is AJ who is a chef with kids which makes him the first SINGLE MUM of the series woooohoo ladies doing it for themselves etc. etc.
Blake says, "AJ I will allow into the group, but I still won't give him time with Sophie," because Blake owns Sophie's time and it's important the intruders understand that.
Paul then emerges and asks, "So what have you been doing?" and it's like... err filming this show dude. It turns out he has five sons and is also a grandparent. It is possible if not probable that one of his grandchildren is Apollo.
Stu is the last guy to arrive and it quickly becomes clear that Sophie already knows him. They met last year and then he tried to track her down unsuccessfully... until now.
We feel... weird about it.
Instead of getting to know each other like normal people, Osher announces that he has organised a polo match. But not on horses. On bicycles. But on grass. And in uniforms. Old people versus young people. And Sophie will not be playing, only watching. There is literally nothing at stake, and no prize. GO.
Immediately the flaws of the game are exposed because YOU CAN'T HOLD A STICK AND RIDE A BIKE IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You have to stop riding the bike to hit the ball and in approximately 23 seconds someone is bleeding from the mouth.
But it's Blake so it's okay.
At one point they start filming the game in slow motion and how do we make this more clear: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS GAME DO NOT TRY AND BUILD SUSPENSE.
Jarrod starts losing it because he scored the first goal and of course he did everyone else was sleeping or not playing because the game doesn't make any sense.
On the sidelines, Blake tells Sophie she's got lipstick on her teeth which is rude and she says "you've got a slit in your lip" which is funny coz he got injured playing BIKE POLO.
With no context, the men are all standing around drinking at what we assume is the cocktail party.
But there's an issue.
They're still wearing their ugly polo shirts with casual jumpers over the top.
WHY IS EVERYONE STANDING AROUND DRINKING IN THEIR HOODIES. WHAT EVENT IS THIS. YOU ALL LOOK TERRIBLE.
They are definitely all still sweaty and bloody from f*cking bike polo and we can't with this show right now, honestly.
Jarrod notices that Stu and Sophie have "chemistry" and at this point we are genuinely worried for Stu's safety.
It's at this point that Osher announces that the rose ceremony will start in 30 minutes, and "see you back at the mansion". We're not at the mansion? Is that why everyone looks like they... smell?
Such little context. So much time.
Four are going home tonight and everyone is very anxious but also angry because the intruders are trying to steal their shared girlfriend etc. While holding her last rose, Sophie asks if she can have a minute to gather her thoughts.
Fun fact: Osher just hangs out outside the door for moral support, and tonight he is of use.
Once she stops crying, she ruthlessly sends one intruder (grandpa Paul), and three original bachelors (Harry, Brett and Hayden) home.
Someone audibly says, "What the f*ck?" which feels a little intense for this stage of the competition.
But in tomorrow night's episode it looks like someone has been pissing in Jarrod's pot plant and things can only get better from here.
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