tv

The Twins recap The Bachelorette ep 2: Sophie almost poos herself on her first date.

We begin with Sam explaining that even though he has a ‘target’ on his back after receiving the double delight rose, all the men still really support him because he’s such a top bloke.

But all the men did not support Sam. 

“THAT ROSE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE,” yells Blake and… okay.

“I did really well on the red carpet,” he says for precisely the fourteenth time. We realise at this point that Blake, like many men before him, has completely misunderstood the nature of this show and is here for a) the challenges and b) the prize money.

Pause. 

It’s Osher. Casual Osher.

He has a hand in his pocket and his favourite jacket on, and he is very excited to have some time with tha ‘oiz.

What be up, mateys?

But instantly he notices something that shouldn't be there.

It's Jourdan.

In a leg brace.

Well, shit.

Now we feel guilty for all the things we said about his fake limp.

Turns out that in the two minutes he was left unattended at the cocktail party he managed to severely injure himself on the basketball court.

But there is no basketball court. 

Jourdan, pls.
ADVERTISEMENT

No one asks any questions and it's never mentioned again which is for the best.

Jarrod, the one who thinks he's just like Sophie Monk because people only want him for his vineyard, wins the single date.

Blake takes some time to tell the camera "When she gets bored she can come back to the real men" for the third time tonight, and precisely no one is listening.

Look, there's something we've needed to say about Jarrod and now is the time. Yes, we let it go last night. We apologise unreservedly.

 It's... it's his pronunciation of vineyard. It's incorrect. He has too much emphasis on the 'yard' part which is odd because you would think if you owned a vineyard you would be quite used to saying the word 'vineyard'.

This is not the case. Vineyard should be pronounced more like 'vinyerd' and less like 'vinyahrd' and this is important.

But then Sophie reiterates to the cameras that she wants "someone who loves MOI for MOI" and everything is okay again.

Jarrod and Sophie meet at a football stadium and it turns out they're meant to be walking along a highwire. Immediately, Sophie is all like "f*ck this I hate heights" and it's like... bae, why you choose this date for?

She doesn't know. And that's okay. 

Except that it's not okay because now she has to do it and she's already having a panic attack. Jarrod is pretending he is not also having a panic attack, and they're both doing this terrifying midair walk for the other person, but NEITHER OF THEM WANT TO DO THIS SO WHY IS IT HAPPENING.

"I didn't really think it through," Sophie says, which is the story of our lives.

"This is the worst date I've ever been on and I literally organised the whole thing."
ADVERTISEMENT

As they get halfway, Sophie starts yelling that her seat is gone (we didn't know she had a seat) and she wants to "go back, please".

For a moment she becomes slightly rude but that's what happens when you're certain you're going to die.

Like the true hero she is, she bails entirely from the activity with no regrets.

"Yeah I can handle anything. But that was just too much," she says, and then she thanks Jarrod for "savin' ma lyf".

They then sit on an awkwardly placed couch in the middle of the stadium and talk about how shit organised activities are especially when they involve your worst fear etc. etc.

Back at the house, the producers have forced James to speak against his will and it's the worst thing we've ever heard.

"Jarrod and Sophie seem to have a fairly solid connection, Sam," he says, with his emphasis and inflection in all the wrong places, "Does that make you worried?"

"Every time I pause I count to three."
ADVERTISEMENT

There's too much punctuation. Too much purposeful pausing. We think he did it three times and then the producers just went, "yeah that will do".

Jarrod returns from his date and gives everyone tips on how to treat Sophie which... isn't... how this... game works.

SHHH IT'S GROUP DATE TIME.

It's obviously the inevitable photo shoot - classic first date.

While some men look handsome in their costumes (Apollo) and others are posing with weapons we're certain they shouldn't be trusted with (Ryan), it's....

It's James.

And he's in his element.

Well.
Hello.
ADVERTISEMENT
James.

He's Friar Tuck.

He poses alongside Sam who is playing Robin Hood, a substantially less humiliating role. But Sam keeps saying things that are creepy and inappropriate like, "I looked at Sophie's cans," and "I've got a good view here," and you can actually see the moment Sophie mentally retracts the double delight rose.

James then stands up for her, and tells Sam not to speak that way in front of a priest.

Sophie said that "all she wants is someone who can be silly," and... yeah. We found him.

Silly is ma middle name.
ADVERTISEMENT

James accidentally hugs her twice when they greet, and kisses her on the cheek three times when they farewell, because he forgets and is also terrified. 

She poses with the other men but most concerning is that fact that Jourdan's leg injury seems to have miraculously healed for the purposes of his photo shoot.

"Don't you dare cry. Don't you dare."

FIN.

It's cocktail party time and while there's some drama around Jarrod, there's something far more pressing we need to address.

There's a stranger in the house.

Look. We've made this joke before.

'Haha who's that I've never seen that person before in my life are they a waiter lol haha'.

But no. 

Because then there's Jefferson.

Who the fuck is Jefferson. 

He claims to be a 30-year-old Events Manager from NSW (are you managing... this event?) who thinks "Sophie smell good".

Cool.

Who... are... you.
ADVERTISEMENT

Is he like a... substitute? For someone who is... unwell?

He steals Sophie away for a chat and she's clearly like, "Do you need to fix my mic or..."

"He is sitting really close."

Jarrod then steals her away to give her a pair of ugg boots and makes her put them on against her will. There are three issues with this: 1) She already has a pair of ugg boots from Blake, 2) If a woman is wearing high heels, it's not because she secretly wishes you would give her ugg boots. She wants to wear the goddamn heels, and 3) What did we say about not drawing attention to the fact that people have feet?

Anywho, it's time for the rose ceremony, and some man named 'Bingham' is given the final rose, which was unexpected, while Jourdan is sent home.

We feel sad, and will always remember the time he faked a leg injury and cried for no reason, because he hadn't been cheated on.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

You can follow Clare and Jessie on Facebook, here.

FROM OUR NETWORK
00:00 / ???