lifestyle

Applications for The Bachelorette are open. Read all the hideously soppy fine print here.

Calling anyone who is keen on juggling 25 boyfriends at once, while the nation watches (and judges) you.

GREAT NEWS, LADIES! Today is the day you can apply to have dozens of men with questionable intentions fawning over you for the entertainment of thousands of viewers.

Sound appealing? No? Agreed.

But in case you are curious, this is everything you need to know about applying to be Australia’s first Bachelorette.

Firstly, you have to be SINGLE. Got that? Your husband will probably be a little bit miffed if you make out with 25 different men on national television. BE SINGLE.

Next, you must be aged between 24-34. It is not clear if you can be 24 or 34. But you definitely cannot be 16, or 92. Be young but not a child, and preferably have pert breasts.

‘Would you like to be swept off your feet?’ Probably not literally. The episodes feature very few brooms.

‘Are you ready to fall in love?’ Should probably have an asterisk and a footnote; ‘Zero guarantees. May not actually meet anyone half-decent.’

BYO sparkly dress.

Some conditions are stated.

You must be prepared to be filmed. You know, because this is a TV SHOW.

If selected, you must be available for up to 18 weeks from May to September.

Obviously, if you’re single, you couldn’t possibly have any other pressing commitments, like work or family.

You must agree to Terms and Conditions that include threatening clauses such as ‘If you go bat-shit crazy from all the emotional turmoil encouraged by the producers, it’s your own problem’ and ‘May prick fingers on roses. And pricks.’

From there, a 45-minute questionnaire begins. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. But you’re single, so you have the time. We can only assume (terms and conditions forbid us completing it) it involves questions like:
– What is your ideal date? Does it involve a dirty street pie?
– What is the saddest thing that has ever happened to you? Are you prepared for us to pimp that memory for all it’s worth?
– Do you have any dresses covered in sequins? Bring them.
– Do you get hayfever around roses?
– How many times can you say ‘Oh My God’ in one sentence?
– Are you prepared to go on a journey?
– Will you eat a dirty street pie?

The 45-minute questionnaire falls under these categories. ‘Medical Background’ may involve a urine home-test, we aren’t sure.

You will also need to upload one photo of your head, and one full-length photo. I’m thinking of going with this one:

Definitely single.

But these two are also contenders:

Nothing says ‘romance’ like an udder.

Wish me luck…