reality tv

'I filled out The Bachelorette application form and created the ultimate contestant.'

This week my editors tasked me with the important job of filling out The Bachelorette 2019 application form.

For the lols and also the goss.

Then they realised I was a lady and this was possibly the most hetero-normative TV show in the history of hetero-normative TV shows.

No matter how well I spelled my name and detailed my past traumas, Osher would never let me on the show.

Never one to let my genitals get in the way of a good story, I decided to fill the form out anyway and in the process I created the ultimate Bachelorette contestant.

His name is Blaze and he is both a puppeteer and an entrepreneur.

Here is his application:

Name: Blaze Daniel Smith

Occupation: Puppeteer/Entrepreneur

Please upload a recent photo of yourself:

bachelorette application 2019
"My mum says I'm a very attractive boy." Image: Getty.

Please upload a recent full length photo of yourself:

bachelorette application 2019
"Please form an orderly queue, ladies." Image: Getty

Tell us about yourself in a sentence: I have a keen interest in puppets and a mild interest in humans.

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What are you genuinely passionate about? Puppets. But also business.

What fires you up? Sexually it's toes. Otherwise it's mother's custom-made woodfire pizza oven.

What scares you and why? The small spiders that run and jump and fly and also commitment.

Do you have any bad habits? If so, what are they? Sometimes I fart as I walk up the stairs. I call them my ascending fluffers.

What is your best feature? My man bun. And also my ability to monetise any situation.

What is your worst feature? Sometimes my dead twin pops out of my mouth and starts speaking in tongues. It can be disconcerting for the ladies.

What would be your dream job? Something I can do from my mother's basement.

Who do you currently live with? See above answer.

If you have a best friend, what is their name and what do you love most about them? I think his name is Peter. One time I saw him in the street and he nodded at me. Although he could have just been listening to music.

How would your friends describe you? Sometimes talkative. Always sweaty.

How would your family describe you? Always... present.

Are you a heart breaker or have you had your heart broken? Can you please repeat the question.

What is it you regret most about your past relationships? Not having any.

How many sexual partners have you had? Male? Female? Yes.

Have you ever been in love? Sometimes.

Would you move cities for love? It depends on mother's... life span.

How do you behave when you fancy someone? I sweat a lot and also speak at a frequency only small dogs can hear.

Do you have any skeletons in your closet? One. Her name is Pam.

Are you ready to fall in love? Probably not.

What irritates you most about the opposite sex? When they don't respect mother.

What is the best date you've ever been on? One time mother and me fired up the pizza oven but used Nutella as the sauce and marshmallows as the toppings.

What is the worst date you've ever been on? One time I took Pam out for a walk. People stared.

Do you have any spiritual beliefs? Sometimes I think my toes look like people.

Tell us a story about yourself, something that would surprise us. One time me and my two housemates adopted a small child who was left at our doorstep. At first we were hesitant, but after a series of incidents involving pee, poop and vomit, we became the perfect family unit.

My apologies. That was the plot of Three Man and A Baby. It's mother's favourite film.

Why does applying for this show feel right now? Mother said it was time I expanded my social circle.

What is the ONE thing you wouldn't want your fellow contestants to find out about you? That I'm a paid actor. I'm getting paid in locks of Osher's hair.

Fin. 

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