The one thing we were most excited for in Bachelor in Paradise is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

I know what you’re thinking.

We all came (ahem) here for one reason and one reason only. Sure, there were former reality stars to watch, but we could’ve seen them sip cocktails on Instagram. Sure, there were inter-series reality star relationships to be had, but we could’ve seen them… well, we could’ve seen them on Instagram, too.

Sure, Bachelor in Paradise sounds like a cute, niche enough concept but actually WE JUST CAME FOR THE SEX and no I didn’t MEAN to yell, it just fell out that way.

It was all looking so promising – like a modern day version of The Sims but with no fireworks or Motherload or fruitless clicking to make two characters fall in love.

Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald recap all the glory that is Bachelor in Paradise below. Post continues.

There were little huts, lots of alcohol, and an entire island full of former reality stars who know the outrageous gets them headlines.

There was going to be sex. There was meant to be sex.

So far, all we’ve had is a couple of flimsy kisses and a whole heap of hammock lying.

Mamamia reached out to Bachelor In Paradise producers with an important question: WHERE IS ALL THE SEX? (Yes, days like today make me want to hold onto my uni degree tight and thank it for all its service.)

As it turns out, Mamamia understands there will be no sex being shown on the show this season.

That’s right: No sex.

It’s all about being “family friendly” and “time slots” and blah blah blah WE WANT SEX ON TV.

What is perhaps even worse, is there’s a chance sex has already happened under our noses. They’re just… hiding it from us.

Boycott, orrrrr?