A comprehensive investigation into which couple actually gets engaged on Bach in Paradise.

Excuse us, but in case you’ve forgotten, there’s meant to be a absolutely premature marriage proposal at the end of Bachelor in Paradise and we don’t want to be harsh but, um, between who?

It’s not that none of the relationships seem strong enough but actually – wait, no, none of the relationships seem strong enough.

So, in the spirit of raucous claims and baseless speculation, let’s investigate who it is, shall we?

Sam and Tara

While it's true, Sam and Tara aren't uncute (not a word, but I'm not mentally prepared to call Sam Cans Cochrane 'cute' yet, so 'not uncute' it is), there is, of course, still the lingering memory of cans-gate that isn't going anywhere.

We think he knows this, too, and jumping the gun with a proposal isn't the way to win back the hearts and minds of the public.

Also, there has to be some brains buried in the bush that is the man bun, and the brains would be saying don't propose to someone after four weeks that would be just silly.

Luke and Lisa

Yes, well. Last week it seemed likely. This week it does not.

You see, we don't think we're going out on a limb too much by saying a pre-requisite of being engaged would be following each other on Instagram.

We repeat: Luke and Lisa don't even follow each other on Instagram.

Also, you know, there are the cheating rumours going around and, yeah, we're jumping off this bandwagon.

Nina and Eden

Ehhhhhhh. I don't know.

Last night Nina said she didn't even want to kiss Eden. To jump from not wanting to kiss him to suddenly want to marry him?

Lol. Nah.

Megan and Jake

Everyone has a Jake Ellis story.

That is all.

Jarrod and Keira

I must say, while these two are as up-and-down as a flautist's fingers, it's certainly not outside the realm of possibility for old mate Jarrod to get down on one knee, that's for sure.

So, with this in mind, they're officially (this is by no means official) the second favourites to come together in holy matrimony.

Grant and Ali

DING DING DING DING. These are my winners. And why?

Well, a) I actually did my research and went back to watch the promos. In that promo, there's a voice that is clearly Ali that says, "we've fallen so deeply in love".

So, there's that. And b), this Grant person has proposed on the show before so proposing on reality TV is clearly something on his list of things he likes to do.

And huzzah. That's all. Watch this space, or don't. I don't mind.

Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald recap the glory that is Bachelor in Paradise.