In case you woke up this morning, completely unaware that “bad boy nipples” are a thing, and now feel like a total doofus, do not fear. We’re all on this roller coaster of discovery together.
Bachelor In Paradise‘s Jake Ellis posted a sponsored Instagram photo today. A sponsored photo sans top, but plus mammary glands (are they “mammary glands” if there will never be milk coming out of them? A question for another time…)
Ahem. Le photo:
After spriuking a product to the masses – which, if you’re looking for a silky smooth chestical* region, you can go learn about on Jake’s Insta – the reality TV personality addressed the jabby things THAT WE CANNOT STOP STARING AT.
“And yes, I’ve got bad boy nipples, I’ve come to terms with that damnit… #freethenipple #noshame”
Yes, dearest, precious reader. Jake Ellis, the dude often attached to Megan Marx’s tonsils, has bad… boy… nipples.
I would like to point out that Jake’s nipples – upright, standing to attention, small and pointy – don’t exactly demonstrate the characteristics I’d expect of rebellious nipples – slouchy, carefree, relaxed – but oh-kay.
If anything, Jake Ellis’ nipples look like overachieving nipples. The kind of nipples that would be in the advanced recorder class at high school and the captain of the chess team simultaneously. The kind of nipples that could recite every Shakespeare work from memory. The kind of nipples that would slash an offensive slogan t-shirt within two hours of wear.
If nothing else, they look like future stars of those Eclipse mints ads.
Eff it. Let me go rogue and declare that Jake’s nips are not nipples à la bad boy.
I looked to Urban Dictionary, in a quest to discover what really does constitute a “bad boy nipple”. Sadly, my search was fruitless.
Even the arbiter of life - Google's search engine - could not tell me what "bad boy nipples" look like. Meanwhile, a Google image search for them returned some... frightening results.
So, someone please tell me.
What in the Jake Ellis are bad boy nipples?
*Absolutely not a word, but should be.
You can listen to Zara McDonald and I debrief on last night's episode of Bachelor In Paradise below. Sadly, no nipples are discussed.
Cut the crap.