Here we go again.
We're back for yet another season of Bachelor in Paradise and it's been far too long since we've seen Osher in a wardrobe made up exclusively of Hawaiian shirts.
Channel 10 have given us a good few weeks to forget about that time Matt Agnew and Angie Kent's relationships both... failed.
And now, to distract us, they've given us the gift of familiarity. A show where we will undoubtedly hear the whispering echoes of:
a) "Do you wanna go for a chat? and
b) "Are you here for the right reasons?"
We really need this, OK?
Watch the trailer for the new season of Bachelor in Paradise below. Post continues below.
No, we're not talking about Osher.
It's Timm with two Ms and SIR ANGIE SHOULD'VE PICKED YOU WE'VE ALL BEEN THINKING IT.
He's aimlessly wandering around the island alone and saying hi to... some poles. And yet somehow, it's... wildly entertaining?
Honestly, they don't even need to send anyone else in.
He's sorted. He even has an imaginary girlfriend. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Abbie is the next to show up, and she greets a Hawaiian shirt-clad Osher, who has basically appeared out of thin air like a mysterious rose giving genie.
She tells him she has a crush on Ciarran and omg same.
After Helena arrives, Brittany (who will henceforth be known as Brittany H, for Hockley and Honey Badger) appears and reminds us all of that time she appeared on "how not to Bachelor 101 with Nick Cummins".
Timm is so shocked to see "the chick from Badger's season" that he literally can't talk... which is unusual for the guy who was comfortable telling Angie (and the entirety of Australia) that he had to pee on a date.
Wait. The conga line Brittany is here (again), and we just realised she's basically the female version of Timm. This is... a lot.
Then there's some guy called Glenn and we don't mean to be rude but who the f*ck is Glenn.
Apparently he was on Angie's season of The Bachelorette and that's awkward for everyone because no he... wasn't.
Then there's Niranga, Mary, Janey, and Jake... and we still don't know who any of these people are.
Seriously. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???
It's the moment we've all been waiting for.
Ciarran is here, and he's completely naked, which seems unnecessary, but okay.
After staring at Ciarran's grapes for approximately three minutes, Abbie becomes too nervous and goes into hiding, which seems like the only appropriate reaction tbh.
Jamie has arrived, and Ciarran and Timm have ordered the girls to run away, which seems justified given his general behaviour on national television.
"I want to come across as a relaxed guy," he says, while furiously eyeing off his
future victims options.
THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S SKIN JUST CRAWLED.
We cut to Mary, aka the woman who brought us lines such as "Another day without a date, another day surrounded by panties" and "Rachael’s lips are so big because they are full of secrets".
She has reprised her role as the greatest narrator of our time, and we like it very much.
Seriously, Channel 10 should just hire her at this point.
Once everyone has arrived, Osher gathers all the ex contestants, and also Glenn, to tell them Paradise is actually very serious and all about finding love. Not that anyone has ever found long-term love so far. But that's beside the point.
To fit with that theme, he tells Timm he gets a special date tonight... involving two women. Uh, does this mean throuples are allowed in the Bachelor universe now?
Meanwhile, the rest of the group (and Glenn) have been whisked away for a "Bula Banquet".
The purpose of the banquet is for the contestants to ask anonymous questions about each other such as:
a) Who from the cast has slid into your DMs, and
b) Would you date an older guy? (A question from Jamie. Obviously.)
It soon becomes clear, however, that the producers have solely created questions designed to break people and start sh*t.
Ciarran is asked what happened with his ex-girlfriend, Renee, who happened to appear on Matt's season of The Bachelor.
Ciarran admits that he cheated on her, and the mood quickly changes. Then, to make things even more uncomfortable, Cassandra admits that she's close friends with Renee. Cool.
After that awkward moment, the dinner descends even further into high school party territory when the contestants are asked to play 'f*ck, marry, friend'.
Jamie chooses to 'marry' Abbie, and Abbie we don't mean to alarm you but you need to leave paradise. Immediately.
Then, much to Abbie's dismay, Ciarran chooses to 'marry' Cassandra.
Elsewhere in Paradise, Timm's throuple date feels... weird.
After dancing with conga Brittany, Timm moves on and dances with Brittany H, while conga Brittany awkwardly sits alone looking at bugs.
Back at the mansion (?), Timm, Brittany H and conga Brittany return from their weird throuple "date" and in more high school party vibes, everyone wants to know – DID YOU HOOK UP OR WOT?
It's a weird experience for all of us, but mainly for conga Brittany who was basically rejected... while on a date.
Elsewhere, everyone is stressing out.
Mary is mad because Helena is talking to ~her man~ "Glenn" and sweetie, it's been approximately three hours, and on a related note, who is Glenn.
Abbie, on the other hand, makes a pinky promise to get a rose from Jamie (bad move) after watching Cassandra "go for a chat" with Ciarran.
Yep, this just continues to descend into an awkward, horny schoolies party. We're so here for it.
THINGS HAVE ESCALATED.
Ciarran is in Abbie's BED.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Feature Image: Channel 10.
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