Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise: Jamie needs to calm the hell down.

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We open on Timm and Ciarran frolicking in the water, which is exactly what we've come here to see.

The girls are discussing how Ciarran spent some time in Abbie's room last night, and it's a 'lil bit awkward because it seems Ciarran has completely forgotten about Cassandra's existence. You know, the one he said he wanted to "marry" last night.

Wait.

A woman allegedly named Janey is here, and she has a date card. But this time, it isn't for a throuple date.

Where... did you come from? 

Instead, the date card goes to Abbie, who picks Ciarran. Obviously.

Meanwhile, Jamie has decided that he's actually on his very own season of The Bachelor.

You see, Jamie has never had the chance to give out a rose before. And he is stressed.

He promised Abbie a "friendship rose", but now he's doubting his decision.

Timm responds to Jamie's dilemma by literally running towards the ocean and jumping on a paddle board and look, we don't blame him.

Later on, conga Brittany, Helena, Jamie, and another miscellaneous woman are watching on as the other couples paddleboard.

"I need a prickle," conga Brittany announces to the group.

"I need to be pricked by something hard."

That's... nice. Sweetie. 

After conga Brittany makes her very important announcement, the girls soon notice that Jamie, a 40-year-old man, doesn't know how to drink through a straw. Cool.

They teach him that you actually have to keep the bottle upright for the straw to work and he's genuinely astounded. 

The face of a man learning how to drink water. 

NO WONDER JAMIE IS SO CONFUSED ABOUT HIS ROSE.

HE HASN'T HAD A DROP OF WATER FOR 24 HOURS. FFS.

After watching Jamie learn a necessary life skill at 40 years old, conga Brittany whisks him away "for a chat". 

They sit on a feelings couch and conga Brittany tells him that he "isn't that bad" compared to that time he low key stalked Angie on The Bachelorette.

"She is the coolest person here.... apart from Timm," Jamie tells producers.

But while a woman is now genuinely giving Jamie attention and professing that she'd like to get to know him, he still doesn't know who to give his rose to. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

He tells conga Brittany that he had promised his rose to Abbie... and approximately three other women.

But then, he changes his mind once again.

"I kind of want to give it to Abbie... but what if I just give it to you?"

Yeah... no sh*t Jamie. 

via GIPHY

Unfortunately, however, the ~romantic~ (if you can even call it that) moment is soon overshadowed by Jamie's unfortunate grasp of... words.

Much like his incessant use of the word 'ingenuine' WHICH IS NOT ACTUALLY A WORD on The Bachelorette, he decides to tell producers that he likes being around conga Brittany because she's infectuous. 

BECAUSE SHE'S INFECTUOUS.

Yep, he's made up a new fake word. Dude. Pls.

NO. 

Elsewhere in Paradise, Mary is getting a 'lil bit jealous because the pool guy "Glenn" is frolicking through the water with Helena.

She tells producers that she doesn't want to "sound like a stage five stalker" but she wants to "get married and have babies" with Glenn... which is a pretty stage five stalker thing to say, but okay.

IT'S ONLY THE SECOND DAY. CHILL.

via GIPHY

Once Helena and Glenn return, Mary steals him away to talk about ~their feelings~.

But after Mary professes her wish to get married and have beautiful Bachelor babies, Glenn promptly friend zones her. 

Pause.

Someone new is entering.

It's Jess a.k.a an intruder from Matt's season of The Bachelor.

"BULA BITCHEZZZZ," she shouts, which feels a little very inappropriate. 

She finds the bar and promptly makes it clear that she's here for Ciarran and that's awkward... because so is literally everyone else (including us). 

Elsewhere in Paradise, Abbie and Ciarran are on a date at a romantic waterfall that is 100 per cent infested with leeches.

FFS Osher.

They pop a bottle of champagne and share a kiss and that's... pretty much it.

Did Osher film this from the bushes...? 

Back at the resort, Jamie is STILL panicking about the power he wields by having a rose to give out. 

First he promised his rose to Abbie... and now conga Brittany, and suddenly he's become obsessed with the notion of "saving" approximately all the girls from going home.

Does he realise that he only has one rose?

CALM DOWN PLS.

"It'd be so much easier to give my best friend a rose," Jamie says, as the camera pans to Timm.

"And I find him sexy... just have a look at the guy."

Bless him.

PAUSE.

It's happening.

There's another god damn bath.

NO. MORE. BATHS. 

Brittany H has invited Timm to join her for a bubble bath, while Osher watches on from the bushes.

They sit and chat about their feelings until Timm announces that it's time to finish the date properly with a kiss, while Osher giggles in the background.

It's a lot and we feel like we shouldn't be watching.

But honestly, at least it's better than this:

NO. 

And this:

OH GOD NO. 

Elsewhere, Abbie and Ciarran have returned from their date, which we saw roughly five seconds of footage from. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

While Abbie tells the girls about how much fun the date was, Ciarran tells the guys that he feels no chemistry with her.

Then, almost immediately, Jess takes Ciarran away for "a chat".

After chatting for approximately three minutes, things escalate quickly, and the pair move to the bedroom. (And by bedroom, we mean the shared single-bed dorm rooms. So romantic.)

The camera then quickly cuts to some crabs... on top of each other. 

Pls, Channel 10. We get it. We don't need your silly animal metaphors.

OK. We get it. 

Meanwhile, conga Brittany has decided to take Jamie away on a date.

But before she can even take him away, he tells her he's "not vibing with her on that level".

Conga Brittany feels overwhelmed by the whole situation, so she starts crying.

NO. WE NEED TO PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS.

The next morning, Timm and some man allegedly called Niranga confront Ciarran about spending the night in Jess' room after spending the night before in Abbie's room.

Ciarran clearly thinks that this is some Love Island situation and not, you know, the ultimate search for love.

Honestly, just LOOK at the success rate of this show. Doesn't Ciarran understand how serious this is?

This is fine. 

Wait.

Osher is here... and he's not wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Is he... okay?

He gathers the contestants and Glenn and announces that it's nearly time for the rose ceremony, which seems entirely unnecessary considering these people have only known each other for 24 hours.

He then addresses Jamie specifically and reminds him he is in fact NOT the Bachelor and he only has one rose to give out.

He also announces that there will be a cocktail party, which feels a bit ridiculous because isn't this entire show a cocktail party?

That night, Jamie announces that he still doesn't know where his rose is going. He's promised his rose to Britt, Abbie, and Cass... and now he's talking about giving his rose to Helena, who he apparently has a spark with. Right.

Abbie, on the other hand, decides to take Jake away for a chat because she's (understandably) worried that Jamie won't follow through with his promise. But just as their conversation begins, Cass takes him away somewhere ~cute and romantic~ for a chat. 

UM. HOW MANY LOVE TRIANGLES DO WE NEED IN THIS SHOW?

Watch the trailer for the new season of Bachelor in Paradise below. Post continues below.

Elsewhere, Brittany H and Timm join Jamie and conga Brittany for a chat. 

Rather than focusing his attention on conga Brittany, Jamie decides to tell Timm that he's his "best friend in the world".

After Timm and Brittany H run away, Jamie starts showering conga Brittany with compliments, and promises her his rose. Again.

Look, we honestly don't know whether we believe him at this point. In fact, we're pretty sure the rose is actually going to Timm.

Then, to make things even more complicated, Abbie chats to Jamie about the rose... and Jamie decides he's apparently going to make sure she doesn't go home.

It's time for the rose ceremony, and Osher explains that there are seven roses and eight women and six men and that is too much maths for us to comprehend. 

Jake picks Cass, Timm picks Brittany H, Glenn picks Helena, Niranga picks Mary, Ciarran picks Jess, and Jamie... looks like he's going to vomit.

...u ok? 

Ultimately, Jamie is left with the final rose, and he has to choose between a) the girl he promised his rose, b) the other girl he promised his rose, and c) someone called Janey... who we've never laid eyes on.

He chooses conga Brittany and thank god. 

As she walks up to accept the rose, she literally falls head over heels.

She's not falling... she's conga dancing. 

See. We needed more Brittany in our lives.

Abbie and "Janey" are sent home, and honestly, we were waiting for this whole season to revolve around Abbie so... this is awkward. 

UNTIL TUESDAY NIGHT.

Feature Image: Channel 10.

Catch up on all our recaps here:

Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise episode 1: It's been one day, and we already have a love triangle.

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