The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 2: No. NO. She tried to kiss him and we want to die.

We begin with a very necessary reminder that when multiple women are placed in the same room, they just can’t help but yell mean things about each other’s dresses. That’s why we need an Osher. 

He appears a little too early the next morning, after receiving word that the females are in a pack formation in the kitchen completely unsupervised.

Listen: Uhhhh… we need to talk about this season being Mean Girls 2.0.

Alix spontaneously asks, “do you think there’s going to be a single date card soon?” and a casual Osher appears from behind a curtain. He’s been watching.

“AHOY!” he yells and he is greeted like the true celebrity he is. He comes bearing a single date card and there’s a very important montage of all the women saying that yes, they would very much like to go on a date with Matty J, given that they quite literally quit their lives in order to date this dude they’ve never met.

Tara reads the date card because she is the narrator and it will be easier if we all just accept that now.

The one with pigment gets the single date because Matty encourages diversity and likes all types of women. Just mostly white ones. But not red heads.

PAUSE PLS. Elora AKA Tahiti has arrived for her date, but it's... it's her footwear.

She's wearing heels. On sand.

We shan't be dealing with heels on sand and then on a moving boat, we shan't. 

As the pair stand on the boat giggling, we flashback to the first time they met, all that time... it was last night. We remember. We were there. She did a fire dance.

They talk about nothing in particular, and then when there's a break in the conversation they laugh about how a) similar they are and b) how comfortable they are. They then continue to say nothing. Jesus.

Just when they've run out of saying nothing to each other, Matty J spots a dolphin out of the corner of his eye, and no seriously how much did the producers pay these dolphins?

Matty J quickly takes a peep at his check list and remembers it's time to see what Elora looks like in a bikini. He is sufficiently satisfied.

While Matty J and Elora frolic on a boat, the girls are at home talking about how Elora is a "wild one" which we're 90 per cent sure is racist.

It's clear that Jen's favourite hobby involves asking rhetorical questions, and then answering those questions. "Do I think they're going to make out? 100 per cent. Do I think she's coming home with a rose? Yes," she says, BUT NO ONE IS ASKING ANYTHING SHE'S TALKING TO HERSELF.

Anywho, in conclusion, Jen hates drama but she plans on legit "destroying" Elora.

... Cool. 

Argh, back on the boat Matty is taking selfies of the two of them and frankly it's awkward because they don't really know each other and taking a selfie together is weirdly... intimate? There is lots of cuddling etc and she is gifted a rose because, well, bikini.

It's time for the group date, and Jen is tasked with reading the names. Finally she says, "There's one name left... and it's me."

But... but we don't... believe you.

We would like to check the card pls. This is why we need an Osher.

The single date is wrapping up, and Elora decides to ask if Georgia Love is still in the picture. Err... no, she's clearly with Lee. Do you even Instagram?

OH GOODNESS it's time for the group date, and we need to talk about Cobie. The one with the balloons.

While we're sure being invited to be part of a photo shoot for Women's Day is very exciting, especially given that no one appears to be getting paid, is it this exciting?

WE WARNED YOU ABOUT THE HELIUM, COBIE. WE WARNED YOU.

Anywho, all the women are getting their make up done for the shoot, and it would appear that someone, somewhere, trolled Jen. As she enters the shoot, she hears the words every woman wants to hear before posing in front of a camera: "Dude, you look horrible."

Florence is decked out in a red bikini, while Jen is playing the lifeguard in the background. As she stands there with curly hair, a "condom cap" on and a rashie, Florence describes her as looking like a "Jewish banana".

She's obviously having none of the whole 'stand in the background looking like an idiot' thing, so strips off and dives into the pool. Shark music starts playing really intensely as though she's going to eat Matty J and you hear a woman whisper, "She looks like a spider monkey".

Jesus.

There's then an 80s photo shoot, followed by the worst thing that has ever happened in either of our lives.

The theme of Matty J and Leah's shoot is 'first kiss', and they embrace on a motorbike (obviously).

But, no. 

We are trying to look away because no this is not going to happen NO. NO.

Leah leans in sexily to kiss Matty J on the lips and he recoils. He... physically recoils.

The following morning Matty J returns to the mansion and comes bearing muffins because we haven't had nearly enough vagina analogies tonight. A woman jokes, "I won't eat one if we've got the rose ceremony tonight. I want to fit into my dress!" and hahaha eating problems among women are hilarious hahaha. Classic.

Anyway, turns out he's just interested in Lisa's muffin, so he asks her to play tennis.

They drive a million kilometres away to find a tennis court even though there's literally one at the mansion.

It becomes extremely evident that a) Matty J lied about being good at tennis and b) Yes, Lisa's tennis is very good but also her face.

Matty finally serves within the general vicinity of the tennis court and says, "YEAH STILL GOT IT," but sweetie, you never had it. 

It's now time to see Lisa in a bikini please because it's been approximately three days now and yes, well, that all seems to be in check, and how is this woman even the same species as us, and yeah obviously she gets a rose.

Lisa and Matty arrive at the Rose Ceremony together, and some woman says, "I think it's pretty hard. Like we're all fighting for the same person."

Yep. That... that's the show.

Elora gets restless and tells Jen she's "not very nice" and seems "dark", mostly because the producers have injected her with three bottles of prosecco and it's not even 8pm.

Jen is in actual shock, and says "I haven't said a bad word about either of you but okay," which is the biggest lie we've ever heard, second only to women in the house saying they're not threatened by Lisa.

Osher, who is also threatened by Lisa, intervenes and announces it's Rose Ceremony time.

Someone we never knew goes home, but she can't have been that great because this is Cobie's reaction:

Sweetie, we've got to wean you off that helium.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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