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The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 13: The biggest heartbreak of the season.

No. No No. 

We’re not even a minute in and Osher, with a twinkle in his eye, announces, “today there’s a series of activities to help you get to know each other just that little. bit. better.” 

NO, OSHER PLS. YOUR ACTIVITIES MAKE NO SENSE.

Osher’s strengths include; handing out date cards, making sure there’s the right amount of roses and politely knocking on the nearest wall once he has already entered a room. But his games are confusing at best and detrimental to the process at worst.

It’s clear before Osher has finished his first sentence that even he does not fully understand how this activity will work.

The women are asked about a series of qualities, all of which are subjective and in no way measurable, and are meant to instinctively rank themselves in order of who is the most and least funny, tidy, considerate, etc. Except they have to stand on boxes, and those boxes are numbered in reverse rank order so that each question can be scored and JESUS WE DIDN’T KNOW WE NEEDED A PHD IN MATHEMATICS TO WATCH THE BACHELOR.

We have literally no idea what's going on.

Elora consistently refuses to compromise, rating herself as very considerate, despite the fact that literally days ago she tried to kiss everyone's boyfriend in front of them.

Cool.

Due to Elora's adamant refusal to work collaboratively in this activity, she successfully moves to the second round. We would like it noted that we believe this to be the most fundamentally flawed game we have ever witnessed.

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The four remaining women have to "choose their top five relationship deal breakers," and the person who shares the most deal breakers with Matty, wins. So, um, it obviously immediately becomes a game of trying to guess Matty's deal breakers, because unbeknownst to anyone producing this show, these people are not stupid. 

It's awkward because one of Matty's deal breakers is stubbornness, the very quality Elora was rewarded for in the previous activity.

We're done.

Anywho, Elora and Elise progress to the next round, where they are required to stand on what appears to be an altar inside a chapel and profess their undying love to Matty while he stares at them. In silence. The other girls watch, for bitching purposes. 

At this point we believe Osher has been sent home early, for recklessly abandoning any form of 'scoring' or 'points' from round two onwards.

Both women tell Matty how much they want him etc. etc. and Elora ends with, "We will be invincible as soon as forever starts," which is conceptually problematic and also makes us feel uncomfortable in our... souls.

Elise wins, because after all these activities the decision really just came down to who Matty wanted to hang out with most, and Elora says,"I wanted to be happy for Elise but I'm not..." which literally sums up this entire franchise.

"Yum!"
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Matty and Elise go to Marquee to watch a live performance by James Blunt which we think is far less an actual romantic date idea, and far more about explicitly promoting James Blunt's new song, which is fine. We decide that sitting in a room with one other person while watching a man sing at a piano is one of the worst human experiences imaginable. No one knows where to look/what to say, and then Elise and Matty slow dance as though they're not two average Australians in their early thirties for whom slow dancing is not, and has never been, a thing. 

We want to die. They want to die. James Blunt wants to die. Then the music slows down and goes all echo-ey and we feel something intense is going to happen. Just as both of us are thinking, "Are we in a movie right now?" James Blunt stops and says, "... go on then," in a way that sounds oddly scripted, and it's hands down the weirdest thing that's ever happened on this show.

"I didn't want to do this either."
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Oh.

Osher's duties have been temporarily suspended because of the games debacle, and now it seems he's not even delivering date cards.

All of a sudden we're on a single date with Cobie and Matty, and it takes us a number of minutes to understand because of the lack of Osher-provided-context.

Matty tells Cobie to close her eyes while he grabs her a surprise, and we both think that maybe he will lean in very close to her ear and yell, "YOU'RE GOING HOME NOW COBIE."

But alas, he gives her a pink helmet and she loses her shit and we don't know why. "What do you think we're doing?" Matty asks smiling, and Cobie says "Stand up paddle-boarding?"

Er, no. You... you don't need a helmet for that.

"HAHAHAHAHA."

Instead, they embark on a complicated obstacle course which is a really great idea for a date, given there's so much opportunity for physical intimacy but also talking. He completes it then she completes it and it turns out watching grown adults participate in an obstacle course is just as riveting as it sounds.

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Matty then says to the camera, "It's kind of like hanging out with a really good friend where you're just laughing all the time," and oh no Cobie sweetie this is the beginning of the end.

Cobie decides to open up to Matty about how strongly she feels and says, "I'm terrified of falling for you," and dear God let this be over quickly.

"You can have all the perfect ingredients to fall in love with somebody and it just doesn't happen..." Matty says, while Cobie nods along enthusiastically. "And for me it just hasn't happened."

"I'm sorry for my failures."

Cobie apologises for not being good enough etc. and says things about holding back, and Matty is very forgiving before instructing her to get in the car and go home now please.

She doesn't get to say bye to everyone or pack her belongings. They belong to Osher now.

The women are sitting at the cocktail party waiting for Cobie, when Osher arrives.

"Why is Osher here??" Tara demands.

"Osh walked in and I thought this can't be good, he doesn't usually turn up like this," Elise says.

Okay what the f*ck. 

This is Osher's mansion too and sorry if he has to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not his fault.

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"Dude wtf you weren't invited."

"Sorry to turn up unannounced ladies. I know when I arrive unexpectedly tensions can rise a little. Totally understandable," and NO OSHER. Never apologise for who you are. You are always welcome.

He informs the women Cobie has been taken away and according to her Will, all her things are now officially Osher's property. That's the rules.

He then says the rose ceremony is in five minutes because it's been a long f*cking week. No one moves fast enough, so he adds, "Make your way there now".

Jesus.

It comes down to Flo and Elora, and we all know Elora is going home because a) she tried to kiss Matty and he pushed her away and b) she wrote him a love letter and he subsequently chose to spend absolutely no time with her which is a bad sign. 

She cries and says, "He could have been the one. If he'd let it happen," but oh no, sweetie, that's not how it works.

"I just don't understand, it doesn't make sense to me," and none of this makes any sense, that's why we love it so much.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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