We begin with a group of women dealing with the fall out of Jen leaving the Bachelor mansion – for a reason that will forever remain entirely unclear.
Someone decides it’s joke time, and says “Jen who?” which doesn’t really make sense given that, um, we all know who Jen is, and no one has talked about anything other than Jen since she left.
But you know who doesn’t want to buy into the bitching?
He’s cool. He’s chilled. He’s casual Osher.
You see, Osher's been facing a lot of stress as of late, what with the organising of his complex but also flawed games, and frantic eliminations. But last week he counted the roses, one of his important tasks, only to have the rose ceremony cancelled at the last minute because Jen didn't give AF.
He has taken the week to recalibrate. Relax. Re-centre.
Osher reminds the women, "the only way to strengthen your relationship with Matty is spending time together..." even though, um, they literally have no control over that. He then awards a single date to Laura, AKA the woman who has spent probably the most time with Matty, while Simone yells, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE."
On the way to his date, Matty explains that Laura finds this process "very difficult," so he found the need to check in with her, unlike Simone, who finds sitting in a house waiting to go on a date with a man who ignores her really easy.
When they arrive at some random park, it turns out Laura's already guessed literally every component of the date. They sit down to speak to a psychic (don't know why this is occurring in a park, but we'll go with it) and ask her questions that are frustratingly vague - which for some reason do not include:
A. Who wins The Bachelor 2017?
B. And while we're at it, who wins The Bachelorette 2017?
Psychic Madeliene Maree says Laura is, "a little cautious... reveals herself slowly..." which sounds like a thing that could be said about everyone, but okay.
Next, they go to the Sydney Observatory, which Laura mistakenly calls the 'Conservatorium' more than once.
Watching other people stare at planets is one of the worst things that's ever happened to either of us.
They says things like "Jupiter!" but mostly it looks like a blurry white dot, and look, we think you really had to be there.
Matty finds a star, and we just know as soon as he brings it up that they're going to name it. Perhaps the only thing better than watching people watch planets, is listening to people discuss what they're going to name a star.
They giggle because it's exciting to own a star, given there's only 200 billion of them. It's very special.
They settle on Matora, a nonsensical hybrid of both their names. We're glad we could be here for this. What a moment for the solar system.
Matty and Laura then sit down for a serious conversation about what the psychic said. Laura says it's hard to date someone who is also dating multiple other women and can't tell you how they feel. Matty says, "Why's that?" and no. We refuse to entertain the rest of this conversation.
IT'S THE GROUP DATE and we have no context.
He's up to his old tricks.
The arena is elaborate, wasteful, and excessively detailed. There's a jumping castle. There is food. There are far too many balloons.
You see, Osher has created yet another one of his games and even though he hasn't started speaking, we've already spotted the fundamental issue.
THEME: Childhood memories.
GAME FLAW: 'Childhood memories' is not a competition.
There are baby photos of the women blown up on t-shirts. Laura's baby photo is first, and Elora says, "Laura looked awful..." while Flo comments, "She looked like an ugly monkey..." Oh.
She... she was a child.
It is then revealed that Simone was a redhead, and everyone's laughing yelling "ranga" etc. Simone gets mad and says, "I'M NOT A BLOODY RED HEAD. I NEVER HAD RED HAIR."
Like... you did though. It's in the picture. And it's fine.
The first challenge is to eat a donut attached to a piece of string as fast as you can and this is a game we would like to play everyday. For a moment, it seems this game might make sense. There are rules... There's a winner...
And the next activity involves PUTTING YOUR CHILDHOOD STORY IN A BALLOON AND POPPING IT WITH MATTY J BUT THEN HE MIXES THEM UP AND TRIES TO GUESS WHAT STORY BELONGS TO WHO.
But... why? And for what... points?
Osher laughs harder than we've heard a human being laugh and he likes this game very much.
Next, the women have to stick a love heart on the part of Matty's body they are most attracted to, and any sense of scoring/winning is gone because there are no points, just memories and sticking shit on Matty.
All the women put hearts on his neck, eyes, brain etc. except Simone, who puts her heart on Matty's penis.
Osher then decides to go through and ask why they're attracted to that part of Matty, and removes the sticker from Matty's penis while saying to himself, "Matty Johnson, I'm going to reach for your Johnson."
These are all things that actually happened.
The last part of the
competition series of things involves Matty J presenting an item from the women's childhood, and making them talk about it? Like news in Primary School? We guess?
It's fine, until it becomes clear that Osher kidnapped the wrong Simone's family.
Matty presents Simone with a pair of ballet slippers, despite the fact that Simone has never, er, done a ballet in her life. Instead of embarrassing Osher/admitting she doesn't know a single thing about ballet, she makes up a story about how she did it for three years and wasn't that... good? Matty is satisfied and thanks her for sharing her memories about ballet.
This episode is a shit fight and we are all confused.
Matty then gets to decide who to spend time with, based on his feelings from only the last activity, thus negating the first 17 activities of the day.
Elise wins, mostly because the hat she brought for news actually belongs to her.
It's the cocktail party and Simone knows she's going home because there were inaccuracies and inconsistencies with her ballet story. But also because she's gone from Matty not knowing a single thing about her, to Matty knowing things about her that are not true.
Meanwhile Laura goes rogue, and starts saying things like, "We're at the point where we're over the niceties..." because if nothing else, this is a show DEFINED by kindness, patience and niceties.
All the women want to talk to Matty, and Laura asks if anyone would mind if she grabbed him. But then Elise says she wanted to grab him, which is rude, because that suggests she minds.
It's all too much.
"Oh Elise, now you've made it awkward and I can't go for it," Laura says, and GOD ELISE WAY TO MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU.
Anywho, it's the rose ceremony, and Simone goes home because she lied about her childhood.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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