It’s been eight sad but also lonely months since The Bachelorette ended, and while we’ve all pretended to get into niche shows like Game of Thrones or House of Cards, we’ve really just been stalking Matty J on Instagram and counting down the days until he goes rogue and dates 22 women all at once for literally no reason.
Listen: Episode 1 of Bach Chat has dropped, and we need to talk about the ‘Mean Girls’…
Matty J has returned to the safe and also slightly problematic Bachelor world.
You see, there’s an Osher. There’s also a
harem mansion. But mostly there are competitions and gimmicks. There’s also convenient flashbacks to remind us of the worst thing that ever happened – the moment Matty J was dumped by Georgia Love in goddamn Singapore and the nation’s response looked a little something (exactly) like this:
But now, there's a new Matty J. He's swimming in the waves because baptismal imagery, etc, and reflecting on love whilst also gently caressing his abs in slow motion.
Most importantly, however, it's... well, it's George.
You might remember Matty J's nephew George from last season when he eclipsed every other character, but also gave Georgia an intense stare when she suggested Matty J move from his family in Sydney.
He's older now. Wiser. More cynical.
Somehow he hasn't aged a day, but that's how we like our babies.
Speaking of not aging...
OSHER WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL OUR LIFE? Sweetie, what have you been doing?
Osher looks more... servant-like than usual.
He asks Matty J, "do you want fireworks?" and luckily Matty J replies, "Yeah, I want fireworks tonight," because Channel 10 literally only has the rights to about three songs, and Firework by Katy Perry is one of them. You can see Osher wiping his brow in relief, muttering "that's the promo done" under his breath.
SHHH PLS. Now it's time to meet the females (ew.)
Wait, firstly, can we just agree to drop the 'J' now? Seriously, he's a 30-year-old man and there are no other Matty's in his... class? It's just Matty for goodness sake.
Matty says "wow, you look amazing" precisely 47 times, despite the fact that there are only 21 women.
The first few are clearly legitimate contenders bla bla yeah they're fine.
But, pause. We need to talk about gimmicks. Because... how do we put this?
Cobie emerges from the limo and says... nothing. With a handful of balloons.
She then decides to inhale helium, which we remember reading is super bad for your brain or something. Her voice is distorted. As far as gimmicks go, it's not the worst we've seen, but no woman with a gimmick ever won The Bachelor. Mark our words.
They then play that music we're pretty sure is titled 'Clown Dufus Track' over Natalie's entrance, and within seconds she admits she's been obsessed with Matty since last season and uses the word 'moist', before ending with "Are you getting the desperate stalker vibe?" Moments later, she is caught sniffing her hands and saying, "Mmm, it's still got Matty J on it".
This is legit the most accurate representation of dating we have ever seen.
Oh. It's the police car. We got clickbaited by Channel 10 into thinking there was going to be an actual emergency and we're pissed off about it.
Matty J's face says one thing when he hears the sirens: "They know..."
Speaking of gimmicks, the next woman named Belinda makes Matty touch her on the boob for one minute and stare into her eyes without speaking, and precisely every viewer in Australia wants to die.
She reveals afterwards that she's a "love coach" and you can see Matty J thinking "OMG CAN YOU HELP ME FIND SOMEONE."
Akoulina then enters doing goddamn rhythmic gymnastics and what did we say about gimmicks.
More obscenely beautiful women enter the mansion, and just when we're really getting somewhere with our Google search "teeth whitening for poor people," the last woman arrives.
Leah manages to genuinely piss Matty off immediately, and... ouch. Our cringe. It's... hurting.
She flirtatiously plays with his hair, but then he responds, "What are you doing messing up my hair?"
WE ARE FINISHED WITH THE INTRODUCTIONS, and now all the women can look each other up and down and tut etc.
Osher emerges from thin air and informs everyone that this season will have a 'Secret Garden' which most definitely sounds like a euphemism for, well, a vagina.
Just as everyone is getting adequately sloshed, all the lights turn off and you can hear Matty J yell "NO STOP IT OSHER SERIOUSLY."
A woman comes out and starts dancing with fire, and Tara asks, "Has entertainment been purchased for the gathering we're having?" and oh honey, no, you're the entertainment.
Fire woman is the 22nd lady, and everyone's angry because 21 women were perfectly fine, but honestly 22 is just effing unacceptable.
Elora couldn't enter with the other women because, well, she's not white, and her introduction therefore has to be, "I'm Elora, I'm Tahitian." We're all very relieved she was transparent about it.
As the night rolls on, everyone just keeps interrupting each other for Matty J time bla bla bla.
A woman named Jen is standing among the women, when a person named Elizabeth says more loudly than she intended to, "That dress is putrid."
Jen then cries and the producers have a collective orgasm and all is well and good.
Jen continues to fight for the rest of the episode, only stopping between breaths to say, "I hate drama," and to interrupt other women's conversations with Matty J... twice. We love you already.
Matty J takes Lisa to The Secret Garden and we have no idea why. None.
WHO EVEN HAS A FACE LIKE THAT?
Anywho, Osher gets tired and yells that it's Rose Ceremony time because everyone needs to "GO TO BED".
Two women we didn't really recognise go home. One is wearing a sash that's blurred out and we feel that might have something to do with it.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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