Ladies, welcome. Take a seat, grab yourselves a glass of wine, and prepare to witness my almighty internal meltdown.
I just saw something that shocked – nay, horrified – me, and I need to talk about it.
You see, Cosmopolitan magazine has shared the latest trend to hit our fingernails, and it is not OK. And by “not OK”, I obviously mean it’s batshit crazy.
BABY SCORPIONS. THE LATEST NAIL TREND IS TO STICK INNOCENT BABY SCORPIONS TO OUR NAILS.
When I saw this, I think I blacked out for a second. When I came to, I expected Ashton bloody Kutcher to jump into the frame and tell me I was being punk’d. Sadly, I was not.
The ‘scorpion manicure’ is now a thing that exists and that women apparently want to pay money for.
I know, whaaaaaaaat the helllll!
This comes on the same day that Bustle is preaching the wonders of ‘Succulent nail art’ – which, yes, looks exactly what it sounds like.
Plants, you guys. Plants on your fingernails.
Now, don’t get me wrong — I understand the appeal of a pretty planty manicure. I mean, who doesn’t? But what I don’t understand is a manicure that literally inhibits your finger’s ability to be a finger.
If your manicure is stopping you from being a functioning adult, then I’m sorry… but you’re doing it wrong.
How in the flying banana am I supposed to do ANYTHING with a big fat plant or a dead animal attached to my fingernail? How would I wash my hair? Or prepare a meal? Or contribute to society in any other way than, “Hey guys, come check out my ridiculously overpriced and debilitating fingers”.