Ladies, welcome. Take a seat, grab yourselves a glass of wine, and prepare to witness my almighty internal meltdown.
I just saw something that shocked – nay, horrified – me, and I need to talk about it.
You see, Cosmopolitan magazine has shared the latest trend to hit our fingernails, and it is not OK. And by “not OK”, I obviously mean it’s batshit crazy.
BABY SCORPIONS. THE LATEST NAIL TREND IS TO STICK INNOCENT BABY SCORPIONS TO OUR NAILS.
When I saw this, I think I blacked out for a second. When I came to, I expected Ashton bloody Kutcher to jump into the frame and tell me I was being punk’d. Sadly, I was not.
The ‘scorpion manicure’ is now a thing that exists and that women apparently want to pay money for.
I know, whaaaaaaaat the helllll!
This comes on the same day that Bustle is preaching the wonders of ‘Succulent nail art’ – which, yes, looks exactly what it sounds like.
Plants, you guys. Plants on your fingernails.
Now, don’t get me wrong — I understand the appeal of a pretty planty manicure. I mean, who doesn’t? But what I don’t understand is a manicure that literally inhibits your finger’s ability to be a finger.
If your manicure is stopping you from being a functioning adult, then I’m sorry… but you’re doing it wrong.
How in the flying banana am I supposed to do ANYTHING with a big fat plant or a dead animal attached to my fingernail? How would I wash my hair? Or prepare a meal? Or contribute to society in any other way than, “Hey guys, come check out my ridiculously overpriced and debilitating fingers”.
Like, do I need to pay extra for the full-time carer I’d undoubtedly need to hire if I wanted to live a scorpion manicure lifestyle, or does one come included?
And that’s all before you take into account the ethical minefield that is killing an animal purely for the purpose of your whack-job nail art. (Hint: maaaaaaajorly unethical… this is probably when the ‘succulent nail thing’ starts sounding like a reasonable idea.)
Ladies, I’m begging you: can we just let our nails be nails?
Because as soon as you say the words “I’d like to have a dead baby scorpion on my index finger please,” I think it’s clear you’ve gone too bloody far.
WATCH: Why don’t you try out something like this instead?