Most of us have had encounters we’d rather forget.
Awkward, clammy, forgettable sessions of “love making” that, if we think about them for too long, might make us throw up our breakfast.
That doesn’t mean we don’t like hearing about other women’s stories, though…
1. Spray and go
“My very first time was made SOOOO much worse by the fact that my boyfriend at the time, who was a little older and had more experience, also happened to have an erectile issue. He came too quick.
“So he told me he had to use this spray to ‘last longer’ in the bedroom. Alas, he lasted about a minute with the spray – and that was long enough. He was very very very small. Think pinky finger length and width.
“He is now married with two kids. The spray must have worked.”
2. Farm hand
“We had just moved into a farm share property and were getting busy in the shower. We bumped the door, it moved and somehow got stuck. We couldn’t get out and we were naked. We waited an hour until someone came looking for us, so we were late for work. We had to stand there naked while they had three guys try to open/fix the door.
“For the next month we were teased, we never did it in the shower again. We’ve since bought a house and renovated the bathroom to make more space for activities.”
A sex column has gone viral after a guy asked for advice as to why his girlfriend was masturbating AFTER sex. It is time to talk about men and orgasms.
3. Absolutely shattered
“This guy and I were mid romp when we fell off the bed, and he put his foot through the window. Glass came crashing down, and there we were, his foot bleeding and glass everywhere, my butt up against the window. The neighbour came outside to see what was wrong, and my younger brother (who was staying the night), came into the bedroom and turned the light on.
“… I haven’t seen that guy in years. Or the neighbour, for that matter.”
4. Moisture of a… different kind
“I was just getting over a four-year relationship break up and ended up going home with someone after a Tinder date.
“Halfway through sex I burst into tears and ran off on him. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and ended up drinking and chatting to him about how I was feeling under the stars. To his credit, he was great to chat to about emotional stuff. We’re still on good terms today.”
“My son was eight months old and my mum offered to look after him so my husband and I could have a night to ourselves. We decided to book a romantic night away. We booked a nice place in Byron Bay, we got massages (where we were covered in body oil) then went back to our room where we had a lovely bath in our in room spa bath.
“Things started heating up so we got out of the bath… we were still oily and slippery from the massage oil and slightly wet from the bath, what happened next is what I can only describe as accidental anal sex. As my husband went to thrust he slipped in went right up the wrong hole! This was followed by lots of screaming, I then ran to the bathroom in pain, my butt hole was actually bleeding!
“My husband was in shock and didn’t know what to do, he kept apologising profusely. Our romantic night away turned into me lying in bed while my partner went to the local chemist to buy hemorrhoid cream. Not the romantic night we had planned!”
6. Just golden
“I had a full bladder and was too embarrassed to wee in his bathroom in case he heard it. So, I stupidly decided to have sex with him instead and accidentally weed on him without noticing!
“Slight problem that he noticed, so we finished the deed in the shower. I was mortified. I bought him a new quilt and bed covers the next day. I never saw him again, but if I saw him today, 15 years later, I would still avoid him like the plague.”
7. An actual nightmare
“I was on a Sail Croatia when I took a random British guy from another boat back to my room. To say I was inebriated is an understatement. Anyway, we started getting undressed and I was ready for him to, erm, put it in when I reached down and felt the tiniest penis known to mankind.
“I’m not kidding. I knew some guys were small. I didn’t realise they came THIS small. It was like a French fry. Or a baby carrot. Because I was so drunk I had no interest in faking anything, I just laid there silently while this dude gyrated around. I felt nothing. No-thing.
“We fell asleep, making sure to set my alarm for 6am, so he had time to get back to his own boat, which was departing from the dock at 6:30. Our boats were travelling in opposite directions, so this was super important. That’s when the nightmare began.
“In my drunken stupor forgot to charge my phone. It died. The alarm never went off.
“We woke up at 7am. My entire boat saw my tiny-penis-ed one night stand run from our boat with his arms in the air in distress. He had to be put on a different boat later that day. I have no idea what happened after that.
“I’m still shivering with awkwardness four years later.”
8. Mix up
“I was with a guy and he was trying to do dirty talk. It’s a shame he got kind of mixed up in the moment and told me that MY dick felt so good in HIS pussy. Luckily we just both lost it laughing but I still can’t think about it without cringing.”