The makeover episode is easily the best part of every season of Australia’s Next Top Model.
It brings us tears, tantrums, models threatening to leave the competition, women seriously questioning who they are as people, borderline verbal-abuse towards stylists, and pseudo-inspirational quotes about change being for the better.
Someone always gets their hair cut unnecessarily short, and someone always has such a subtle change it’s hard to tell the difference between the before and after shot.
It’s everything I want from reality TV and more.
You see, going from being very-beautiful to very-supermodel-beautiful is a tough transition. It’s emotional. Just look at this face. Nothing is okay. Nothing will ever be okay.
Given that some transformations could constitute their own soap opera (please...can someone write that please), and others are boring AF, I will do the noble deed of sharing the highlights of Tuesday night's makeover episode. Post continues after gallery.
You don't need to know who these people are. You don't need to know what's going on.
You just need to know that the plight of a model getting her hair cut is worse than you can possibly imagine.
To paraphrase 19-year-old Daisy, "At least starving children don't have to cut their hair."
A point well made, Daisy. A point well made.
Kassidy gets some of her hair SHAVED.
As our long-haired host Jennifer Hawkins introduces the girls to the makeover episode, she looks towards Kassidy.
Oh, no. This isn't good, Kassidy. This means you're the token 'risk.'
THEY'RE GOING TO SHAVE ALL YOUR HAIR OFF AND IT WILL NEVER GROW BACK. RUN, WOMAN. RUN. THIS ISN'T WHAT FEMINISM IS ABOUT. NO ONE WOULD EVER MAKE MEN SHAVE THEIR HAIR OFF FOR NO REASON. RUN.
Alas, she doesn't run. Yet.
Hawkins explains that Kassidy will be getting "the big chop."
"This could be a real turning point for you and give you more versatility in the industry," she says. It's probably true, and that's lovely, but tbh I just wanna see a tantrum. And it doesn't take long.
When she sees the scissors, she narrates, "That’s when I basically realise it is going to be really short, and I’m going to lose my identity."
"I was like, this is real, this is actually happening. That’s when I kind of lost it. That was like the breaking point for me."
But don't worry. Kassidy has a fellow beautiful person to tell her it's all going to be okay.
Cheyenne Tozzi holds her by the hand and tells her earnestly, "you know we'd never do anything to make you look silly. Just trust us."
When she sees her reflection for the first time, she says, "I just don’t like it personally, I don’t like it."
"I don’t even really want to look at myself."
Oh yes. It must be just awful to look at yourself when you look like this.
Daisy HATES short hair.
I think we all know deep down that before the show, the models are asked what they definitely do not want done to their hair, and then they choose the most dramatic girl, and give her exactly that.
Daisy is adamant that she hates short hair. HATES IT.
Like, the same way some people hate oppressive dictators, and other people hate living in poverty. Exactly like that.
When she's shown how much will be cut off (it'll still be past her shoulders), she genuinely asks: "How am I going to be confident if I hate how I look like?"
Somehow, I don't think it's possible for this person to hate what they look like.
Daisy says she would rather leave the competition now "and still feel like me" than go through with the hair cut. But this time, Cheyenne isn't taking anyone's shit.
"I think you’re crying for no reason," she says, speaking more sense than anyone in the history of this show.
"Bigger things to cry about, chook...Like children starving."
That's when it happens. A moment that passed everyone by without the attention it deserved. A throwaway comment that should definitely have been pulled up.
In response to Cheyenne, Daisy says, "At least they don’t have to cut their hair."
When she sees herself, she says she "looks like a mum." Which is the WORST, right?! Isn't looking like a mum the WORST thing you can look like? Ew.
Belinda gets red hair. Feels confident, fails the photoshoot.
Belinda makes it clear from the beginning, "I'm pretty happy with any colour but red."
GOODNESS! I wonder what colour they'll dye her hair? Surely not...
So red. So, so red.
In a phrase that suggests this show is literally not edited at all, Belinda says, "Oh my God. I'm going to be a ranga, eugh."
But when one of the hot Stenmark boys tells her it'll make her stand out, she seems to calm down.
She sees herself in the mirror, and GASP, she...likes it. What is this heresy? She just got her professionally done for free, and she...likes it? She didn't even cry, or compare her plight to that of starving children.
"I'm so happy," she repeats, commenting that she's hoping to do really well in her photoshoot because she loves her new hair.
The producers aren't happy with this. She's being...rational. It's odd. So on the photoshoot, while she appears to do well, it's this photo the judges are given to comment on.
You cannot tell me they chose the best photo of Belinda from the shoot. That's ^ just an off-frame.
It's a conspiracy, people. She's not sufficiently dramatic so she WILL be punished.
Ultimately, Belinda is saved because Jordan's photo is deemed the worst, despite the fact that Jordan was arguably the most rational human this week.
When Kassidy complains on the shoot that her life is just so hard because of her haircut, and explains, "it's so hard when it was only yesterday that I had my hair the way I’ve had it my whole life," Jordan tells her it gives her an edge.
But Kassidy is insistent: "I just want to be beautiful and now I don’t think I am."
In summary, you might think you have problems. But you are not a young woman on Australia's Next Top Model getting a makeover. Their's is the plight we should really be paying attention to.
Want to know what really goes on in the ANTM house? Listen to The Binge podcast's interview with past winner Demelza Reveley: