We open on Bernard Tomic, who has a plan.

A very naughty one.

You see, it’s the Australian Open. He lost in the first round which is not ideal. But he doesn’t want anyone to know he lost.

That’s when he decides it is time to create a diversion.

The kind of diversion we’ve all used at some point or another.

A Lleyton-Hewitt-kind-of-diversion.

Hewitt, 36, used to play professional tennis for Australia, and is now the captain of the Australian Davis Cup team.

He’s also married to Bec Hewitt who we like very much, especially because of that song she released in 2003 when she was still ‘Bec Cartwright’ called ‘All Seats Taken’.

But as much as we would like it to be, this is not a story about Bec Hewitt. She's too pure for all this mess.

So, Tomic, feeling a lil' bit down about losing, starts to do what we all do when we want to feel better.

He starts to bitch. Publicly. During a press conference. Aired internationally.

"No one likes him anymore,” he says of Lleyton Hewitt. "I thought he’d retired, like, why are you still in tennis? Why do you still play all these doubles tournaments?”

It's so petty. It's so... catty.

“He doesn’t put the players first. He doesn’t put Nick [Kyrgios] first. He doesn’t put Kokkinakis first. He always thinks of himself and it’s not good. You’re not playing any more bro. You’re retired. It’s not good.”

Of course, Tomic's diversion is wildly successful. No one runs with the headline 'Bernard Tomic loses first round match at Australian Open'. Oh, goodness no. That would be silly. Far more interesting is the gossip but mostly the drama.

At first, it looks like 23-year-old Nick Kyrgios might stay out of it. Take the high road. Decide to maybe not join in on the bitching, and do something else, like play tennis or... train.

But alas, after losing his first round match, Kyrgios spends the next few hours desperately trying to work out whose fault it is, and lands on a number of people.

Soon, he's on Instagram, having a dig at Hewitt for sitting courtside to watch Alex De Minaur (the top ranked Aussie men's player) play instead of him.

HOW DARE HE.

We discussed the Hewitt feud on this week's episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below. 

Then... Kyrgios visits Twitter and honestly WHO GAVE HIM HIS PASSWORD.

Retired tennis player Roger Rasheed and retired AFL footballer Gerard Healy criticises Kyrgios' game which he finds very unfair, even though we checked and it's definitely their job.

"You blokes all have zero idea," he tweets. "It’s comical people like yourself have an opinion of us."

"You blokes are anything but athletes, so how about you concentrate on your own sh*t. Zero credibility."

His other Twitter activity includes a) reminding everyone of the time he beat Nadal when he was 19, and b) weighing in on the debate about gender equality in tennis with a LAUGHING EMOJI.

Kyrgios... pls.

You're embarrassing us in front of Andy Murray.

And Roger Federer.

But just when we thought Tomic was maybe having a nap after his tantrum, he pops up again.

AHHH.

Hewitt, you see, says Tomic threatened his family. Tomic’s dad, however, says Hewitt threatened his son and DEAR GOD ARE ANY OF YOU EVEN PLAYING TENNIS.

During all this, Hewitt must choose a team for the Davis Cup and for reasons that we cannot grasp no matter how much we rack our brains, he did not choose a) Tomic who is threatening legal action or b) Kyrgios who may or may not train and keeps telling people he hates tennis.

Tomic and Kyrgios are both shocked and outraged. How dare he!

Yes, they're losing.

Yes, they're competing for the worst attitude in professional tennis.

Yes, neither of them moderately want to be there.

And, yes, they could at any point just STOP TRYING MID MATCH which they've both done in the past.

But THEY WANT TO PLAY THE DAVIS CUP FOR REASONS THAT ARE ENTIRELY UNCLEAR.

The feud in Australian tennis has been like a very bad (good) episode of Married at First Sight. It's the reality television show that just keeps giving.

And as the season comes to an end, we hope Tomic and Kyrgios get their one wish.

To walk the Logies red carpet.

They've certainly earned it.