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The bride who has insisted all bridesmaids have a matching shade of fake-tan.

Welcome to Ask Wendy. The advice column that tells you what you need to hear – not what you want to.

The bride is a diva, her bridesmaid her slave. Something has to give and Wendy Squires knows just what that is – the friendship.

She’s a bridesmaid. The bride is a punishing princess. Wendy to the rescue.

In four weeks, I get to be bridesmaid for my oldest, closest friend. We have been mates since high school, we are both now in our early 30s and while I am single, she has never made me feel bad about that since she met the guy she’s marrying three years ago. But this whole bridesmaid thing has completely shifted our dynamic.

I get that brides go crazy, but I never thought my smart, sarcastic friend would turn into the kind of person who wants us to colour-match our fake tan for the photos. I never thought that she would be the person who “helpfully” told me that a juice cleanse before the wedding might make me feel “better” in my dress. And I never thought she’d be the person who would quite happily throw “orders” my way in emails and texts at all hours, telling me I need to be available to her on certain days, that she’s “definitely going to need me” to go to the florists with her on my birthday. There’s a part of me that feels she is really enjoying the power shift, and I’m becoming resentful. Am I seeing a side to our friendship that I didn’t know existed? How can I move past being quietly furious at her?  – Sally, Richmond, NSW

Sally, the first thing I suggest is you open a bottle, pour a large glass and take a seat because girlfriend, we need to chat. Oh yes, we do. Trust me, I’m on my second, your question necessitating a wind forward to wine o’clock to assuage my shock.

Now, I have been told I can be a little blunt, so I will attempt to place my steel fist in a velvet glove before I start punching. Because punching is what your friend needs. Yep, right off her precious princess pedestal and back down to earth. But I’m ahead of myself here. Let’s start at the beginning and then get really pissed off.

We have been mates since high school, we are both now in our early 30s.

Sally my friend, the amount of time you have known someone post your twenties does not equate with how much you still have in common. I am sure my best bud from school today actually likes Coldplay, thinks Tony Abbott s a strong leader and global warming a myth. In other words, we would have as much in common as a Kardashian and modesty.

And while I am single, she has never made me feel bad about that since she met the guy she’s marrying three years ago… 

This infers there was a time when she did make you feel guilty about this! If this is the case your friend is a fiend. Being single is one of the greatest gifts a woman can be given in terms of personal growth. Your friend could do with some of that judging from that comment. It might stop her transferring her own fears on to you.

As for “feeling better in your dress”, tell her where to stick her fruit and fast then turn up on the day in a sumo suit.

[She] wants us to colour-match our fake tan for the photos. I never thought that she would be the person who “helpfully” told me that a juice cleanse before the wedding might make me feel “better” in my dress.

OK, about now I feel justified to say what I really think (hic!). So, with all due respect, let me inform you that YOUR FRIEND IS A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE NARCISSISTIC NIGHTMARE! I don’t know what colour you are but if she really loves you, she will respect the skin you’re in. So, I suggest you inform your so-called friend you are not a freakin’ traffic light. And as for “feeling better in your dress”, tell her where to stick her fruit and fast then turn up on the day in a sumo suit.

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She quite happily throw “orders” my way in emails and texts at all hours, telling me I need to be available to her on certain days, that she’s “definitely going to need me” to go to the florists with her on my birthday.

You are her friend, not her slave. Organise yourself a big birthday bash and tell her you’re “definitely going to need her on the day”, which you can’t changed to accommodate her florist  as it is the actual date of your birth.  Play her at her own game and let her know it wouldn’t be a celebration without her, your bestie, by your side. She, of all people, should understand that, about to be married and all. Once she’s accepted, send her an invitation with the strict dress code for the night, “paint yourself purple”. Everyone colour matched. What fun!

How can I move past being quietly furious at her? 

Sal, the answer to this is yes, you can move past. I suggest you run like the wind right past your bride of freakenstien frenemy and never look back. Drive if you like, cycle even, but just keep moving. In fact, best you skip, as the relief will be joyous.

I suggest you run like the wind right past your bridezilla of freakenstien frenemy and never look back.

Women who turn in to divas for their wedding have simply been dormant divas until now. That sense of entitlement, penchant for perfection and me, me and seriously, me, attitude is real. Bend over for her highness now and you may as well get on your knees and stay there as there will baby showers and associated purgatory parties to come and she will be just as demanding.

However, if the guilt is too much and you insist on attending the wedding, I can help avoid any “she’s single” sneers thrown your way. I have a biker friend who loves a drink or 100 and would be happy to be your date. He gets out of jail soon and I hear his new face tattoos are most fetching. Maybe you should get some to match? For the photos, of course.

Do you have a question for Wendy Squires? She feels like she has been given so much advice in her life, it’s time to throw some back.

Email [email protected]mamamia.com.au with ASK WENDY in your subject line.

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