entertainment

The Twins recap: The ARIAs red carpet where we were only snubbed 11 times.

Firstly, we’re sunburnt and we should have worn hats.

And secondly, we got precisely zero photos with celebrities that are even marginally Instagrammable because we look offensively bad.

It’s disappointing.

When you meet Mamamia royalty and you look like you're... drowning.

But tonight isn't about us or our faces. It's about Sophie and Stu's body language the Australian music industry.

There were people we most definitely should have recognised and more than once we wished celebrities would wear name tags that clearly outlined where we should know them from.

We said 'no' to interviewing a country artist we've never heard of and we still feel guilty about that because we have no doubt they would have been very nice and also talented. 

But like any good story, ours begins with Alfie Arcuri, the winner of the fifth season of The Voice. 

We discuss the fact it's hot, which feels like common ground. We then ask how long it took to get ready and he says under an hour, which is legit less time than it took us to get ready for work today and we still look... messy.

Cool.

But stop it did we just see Anthony Callea in a rhinestone leather jacket....

THIS IS URGENT PLS.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
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We tell him we used to have a collage of pictures of him in our diary in Year Eight which is probably slightly irrelevant.

We interrupt that thought to yell that we like his fragrance which is literally masking the smell of dozens of journalists' body odour. It's Tom Ford, which is important. He says he found his outfit in his 'second' wardrobe yesterday and just threw it together and omg same.

He isn't sweating and we don't understand how and kick ourselves for not bringing up how hot it is.

Ooo speaking of Australian Idol circa mid-2000s, it's Guy Sebastian and the reporter next to us asks to no one in particular, "what's his wife's name?" and we yell in unison "JULES, IT'S JULES" and that's when we know we've made it.

Guy and Jules can't speak because Guy is presenting and losing his voice, but they let us take a photo of them.

Same.
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Pete Murray is friendly and tells us a story about playing at the ARIAs with John Mayer, who he says is a "great guy". It sounds like a lie but OK.

We then ask for ARIAs secrets, please, and he says "I'm not telling you two!" which poses a problem because that was our entire line of questioning for the red carpet. Luckily we're distracted by something shiny.

Samantha Jade has a dress on and it's sparkly and we're pretty sure we should ask her details about it but we don't.

Instead we bring up the heat again. She agrees. Rapport established.

We remember someone at work saying something about "finding out outfit secrets" so we ask "have you gone without a handbag tonight?!" but turns out her manager just has it.

We should never have been trusted with anything fashion related but it's too late now.

Jess and Matt walk past and we like Jess' dress AND earrings AND bag so we ask a question along the lines of, "you're wearing things. Discuss". We ask about the fake tan + sweating situation, and she says in passing that Matt wears Bondi Sands.

But then Matt says he doesn't wear fake tan. But he does wear Bondi Sands.

Hmmm.
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We take it upon ourselves to gently explain that indeed, Bondi Sands is fake tan, and not simply a moisturiser. He becomes violent and throws things.

We made that last part up.

WE LIKE UR EARRINGS PLS.

Oh.

Oh.

OH.

No, it's Tanya Hennessy and she tells us straight away that she stole Emma Wiggle's dressing room/make up artist and hairdresser. She says they used to work together at Luna Park and she's done nothing but exploit Emma's hospitality. We like this.

Meet our fren... Tanya.
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Her Big W shoes are hurting and she's got literal tissues under her arms in an attempt to stop the sweating. But she's wearing silk and nothing will stop the sweating. Her skirt belongs to her mother and she says she has big news but can't tell us yet SHE CLICKBAITED US and we probably deserved it.

Moments later Emma Wiggle (and, like, the other Wiggles) approach and we yell to Emma that her room and also staff are being exploited. She knows. She looks like a mermaid, and when we ask for a photo with them, we only realise later they all did this:

The Wiggles are constitutionally unable take a photo WITHOUT their Wiggles hands.

Because of course they did.    

We stare at beautiful people whose names we do not know. We spot a dress with fairy lights in it and think it may be an important fashion moment but we can't be sure. Everyone looks famous but they might just be attractive - it's no longer clear.

Then we see a face we DEFINITELY know. It's Kasey Chambers and we're excited because she performed for us in the Mamamia office and we all stared her straight in the eyes while she sung. 

She says this morning she was picking nits out of the hair of one of her children, and we think for a moment about how proud we'd be if she somehow contaminated Harry Styles and he went home literally infested from his time in Australia. But that's silly. She tells us that sometimes at the ARIAs people hide drinks under their seats, but specifically NOT to tell anyone. So we don't.

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NO, ACTUALLY PAUSE.

Vance Joy is coming but surely he's far too important to speak to us. Surely.

But then... but then he stops.

We yell that he must be excited for the huge performance he has coming up on Friday, as the front man for Hamish and Andy's band Cool Boys and the Front Man. He says he's nervous and has been rehearsing in his hotel room and he runs some lines past us. Yes, Vance, or Mr. Joy, that sounds very nice, please. Keep singing to us we like it very much.

We... love you.

He is concerned about the part of Queen's 'We are the Champions' that goes 'on and on and ooonnn' because in the original, there's backing vocals, but Vance Joy is only one man. It's something he's been stressing about.

We assure him, however, that on radio, Hamish, Andy and their producer cacklin' Jack, have literally not stopped talking about how THEY are going to be singing the backing vocals. Vance, it's fine. They've got it sorted.

Guys... we genuinely did something helpful. For Vance Joy.

Vance Joy... he... well, he genuinely appreciates our help.

Anywho, we tell him not to drink too much as we need his voice to be perfect for Friday.

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Nothing happens for a while and we think maybe it's over, but then Clare spots something in the corner of her eye. It's pink and blue and looks like a STU AND SOPHIE.

You are Mamamia royalty.

The media froths. Yesterday Sophie said she was bringing her dad and NOT Stu, and now she's with someone who looks very much like Stu and we're assessing their body language because this is what matters the most in the world right now.

We hear people ask weird questions like, 'Are you going to be on Bachelor in Paradise?,' and we roll our eyes because we know they really mean Love Island. 

Silly journalists.

Stu and Sophie don't have time to talk to us because "she's presenting in literally ten minutes," so we gather the following information from eavesdropping: Sophie HAS met Stu's kids, they're currently planning how they'll spend Christmas, and Sophie has no comment about Don Burke.

People start yelling and it turns out Harry Styles has made a SURPRISE appearance for a small group of fans and we see absolutely none of him.

Ruby Rose, Lorde, Jessica Mauboy, Rebel Wilson and lots and lots of other celebrities don't appear on the red carpet which makes us feel personally offended.

In other news, we heard Guy Sebastian rehearsing a song in the lift, and saw a popular Youtuber who we thought was into 'clean eating' buying McDonalds.

And THAT'S what we call investigative journalism.

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