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The Twins recap the ARIAs red carpet: The real reason we kept getting snubbed.

Someone let us do the ARIAs red carpet and now we’re anxious that we’re going to get fired.

You see, we… did shit. And it’s not even our fault (except it’s a little bit our fault).

The moment we arrived we knew there was going to be a problem. “Oh, yes” we remembered. “We don’t know anything about the cool music these days.”

We revisited the list of all the big names that would be attending – Five Seconds of Summer, Rita Ora, Keith Urban, Amy Shark, Vance Joy, Dean Lewis.

What is a Five Seconds of Summer and what does it do?

YAY 11 SECONDS OF AUTUMN!

After a few minutes, a children's band named Lah-Lah speak to us, and yes, they have a banjo. We have some questions we prepared earlier, and we launch straight into one of them: when you're doing a wee-wee in the toilet and you can hear someone next to you fumbling with the toilet paper and it's clear you're going to come out at the same time and have to make some small talk WHO WOULD YOU LIKE THAT PERSON TO BE PLEASE?

Mark Harris enthusiastically yells "JESSICA MAUBOY" and while, yes, we'd all love to run into Jessica Mauboy, Mark's wife Tina gently corrects him. "She wouldn't be in your bathroom..." she says, judgmentally.

Our favourite part is that he didn't say Keith Urban, because Keith Urban doesn't go to the toilet. Everyone knows that.

Next, a person who we refuse to call a man because he was a boy, is interviewed by the people next to us, and takes himself so seriously that he beat-boxes under his breath as he walks up to them. Do you understand what that looks like? Do you?

He is wearing what appears to be a tracksuit and honestly shouldn't he be at school, it's 3pm on a Wednesday.

We see Taylor Henderson coming, and that's a face we know from Australia's Got Talent 2010! How exciting!

He tells us that we look nice and we don't believe him but OK.

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No we're very bad at this. Watch Clare and Jessie failing at the ARIAs. Post continues after video. 

Next is Samantha Jade, who told us her house flooded this morning because of the rain and honestly we're surprised more people didn't call in sick for the ARIAs. While we're chatting, the person next to us gets so brutally snubbed by a famous television host who we shan't be naming and it's... hilarious. The look on the host's face is one of exasperation and hatred of a) the media and b) everyone.

That's when something bizarre happens.

Amongst the crowd, we spot a familiar face. But not familiar in the way we expected. It's Ryan from Married at First Sight and SIR. WHY are you HERE. You have no business being here.

We ask him precisely three questions.

  1. Why are you here?
  2. Nah but seriously why are you here?
  3. Mate, why the f*ck are you here?

He answers: "HAHAHA I HAVE NO IDEA BUT PROBS WON'T BE INVITED NEXT YEAR HAHAHA" and no srsly why.

No srsly why.

He doesn't know. We don't know. But we're professional journalists so we take the opportunity to ask the hard questions.

"So are you following Davina on Insta or no?"

No. He's not. He is hanging out with Dean a lot and pursuing comedy. Sometimes he tells jokes about Davina.

The best part is that he appears to be entirely alone and tells us that he's had a few beers and plans to have a few more HAHAHA.

Goodness.

The one common question we've decided to ask everyone we speak to is: what's the gossip? We want the secrets. We want to hear about fights. Hookups. Embarrassing moments. Tensions. And early on, it becomes clear we're not getting any.

We decided if anyone knew the goss it would obviously be Sonia Kruger, but she tells us that her nickname is 'The Vault' at which point we get very frustrated and start yelling WHAT'S THE POINT IN KNOWING ALL THE GOSSIP IF YOU CAN NEVER TELL ANYONE. She politely leaves after telling us nothing.

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Just as we're lamenting our lack of gossip and looking around the red carpet trying to work out who's famous and who's just... extra, we're confronted with the ridiculousness of this entire spectacle.

A woman named Montaigne, who by all accounts is very good and hip and with it, has the words 'Stop Adani' written on her cheeks.

Well, shit.

Now we feel a bit silly asking for gossip.

She intelligently articulates how important it is we put a stop to Adani, and their plan to build a coal mine which will permanently damage our reef and waterways.

Nah, legit it's fucked. You can read about it here.

BUT PAUSE.

SOMEONE IS READY TO GIVE US THE GOSSIP.

And in our hearts we always knew it was going to be DJ Havana Brown. We just knew.

She tells us that sometimes they have to re-record performances because they're so bad. Well, she didn't explicitly say it was because they were bad, but that's obviously what she meant.

She also says sometimes the ad breaks are awkward because nothing is... happening. And you just have to... wait. And everyone's... silent.

HA. She thinks that's awkward. Try yelling at a celebrity to come talk to you and having them walk away IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

Look, up until now, we haven't been doing that badly. It's been fine.

But this is where the tide turns. We see Sophie Monk and she's with the most beautiful date we've ever seen: her dad.

No. He's so cute and all we want to do is speak to them and ask why they're the greatest couple to ever grace the ARIAs red carpet, etc etc.

But she's busy. She's so in demand and by the time we yell about the possibility of speaking to her, we're told she needs to go to her rehearsal for the show.

Oh. We're kinda only here for Sophie Monk but OK.

This starts a cascade of bad luck, where no one wants to speak to us and we're snubbed by literally everyone. It's too sad to say in words so we'll show you in picture form.

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There are two reasons, we believe, for the snubbing incident(s).

  1. These people are too famous but also important. They can't be tainted by the.... bogans (us).
  2. They're... distracted.

You see, Sophie Monk didn't just speak to the person standing next to us, but ran towards him and ushered her reluctant father over. 

"This is my friend," she explained.

"Trish."

For some context, 'Trish' is a comedian named Christian Hull in a beautiful blonde wig and EVERYONE LOVES HIM. HE HAS HALF A MILLION FOLLOWERS ON FACEBOOK.

HE HAD A CONTAINER WITH FORTUNE COOKIES WITH RUDE QUESTIONS INSIDE. IF WE WERE A CELEBRITY WE WOULD'VE IGNORED US AND GONE TO CHRISTIAN.

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When Ryan from Married at First Sight was speaking to us, he got DISTRACTED by the spectacle that is CHRISTIAN and just dogged us halfway through.

So. True. 

As the red carpet wrapped up, and all the celebrities were gone, we realised something.

What we had been looking for - the fame, the glamour - had been beside us all along.

What a beautiful girl.

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