Five is a magical age.
The “threenager” phase and the “f—ing fours” are (not so) dim memories. Oh, and new mums? Anyone who ever tries to tell you about the terrible twos is lying. Three and four are much worse…so, so much worse.
Five year olds are starting to assert their independence: they can dress themselves…sort of. They can wipe their own butts…not very well, but they get points for effort. Their language and reasoning are evolving and their personalities are really emerging. They are discovering who they are and how they want to navigate the world.
You can have an actual conversation with a 5-year-old. The conversations might not exactly make sense — you might spend half an hour discussing theories on why Goofy can talk but Pluto can’t or trying to answer questions such as “why don’t fish have eyelashes” — but there’s a subtle shift that occurs at five.
It’s the end of babyhood and the beginning of childhood. These are the golden days between nappies and the surly tween years and the onset of eye rolls and the belief that mums are embarrassing.
But have you ever argued with a 5-year-old? They will “but why” you to the brink of insanity.
When it comes to arguments you can use clichés like “don’t go to bed mad” or “kiss and make up” but verbal sparring with a 5-year-old is a…well, honestly my words are failing me here. I have two five-year olds — just let that sink in — and I’ve had lots of arguments with them. Although most of these arguments have ended with my small humans doing what I want them to do, I’m not sure if I’ve ever really won.
Why the yellow vitamin really isn’t better than the red and purple vitamins.
The yellow vitamin is the most coveted vitamin in my jumbo bottle of gummie vitamins for kids. Since these little nuggets are the golden tickets of chewable supplements for tots, naturally, there are precious few of them in the bottle. I tell the unlucky recipient of the red and purple vitamins that all vitamins are created equal. No one believes me. I have no defense. The people who make those vitamins are assholes, though…that I’m sure of.
Why it’s not okay to lick your brother’s armpit.
You know, I have no good reason on why this isn’t okay. I think we can all agree that armpit-licking isn’t appropriate. But other than “it’s gross” I really can’t come up with a good argument. I can make the armpit-licking stop: yelling and threats are usually involved, not gonna lie. But I don’t think I’ve ever convinced either of my kids why pit-licking isn’t acceptable behaviour in our house.