It’s the great paradox. Science could put a man on the moon but nobody’s been able to design a test that accurately indicates whether or not you and your partner are physically and emotionally equipped to have a baby.
Finally here’s a test that will ascertain if you have the patience, the stamina and the strength of resolve to be a mum. Seriously, this test is eerily accurate. It’s from “The Beginner’s Guide to Fatherhood”, by Colin Bowles.
So grab a pen and a piece of paper. And, you know, an octopus (for question 3). Oh look, just trust us. We defy you not to laugh out loud…
Test 1 – Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
4. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the Counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
5. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
6. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it uninterrupted for the last time.
Test 2 – Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 – Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to bed.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 – Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 – Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.