Our very own Em Rusciano weighs in on the horrendous criticisms thrown at Lara Bingle and Candice Falzon this weekend in Sydney Confidential.

Social commentator and Sydney Confidential columnist Annette Sharp wrote some words last week that – without being too dramatic – injected cyanide into souls of Australians everywhere. Especially Australians with vaginas.

In her column entitled: “The Evolution of the Shotgun Marriage: A Modern Sydney Princess Story” Annette insinuated that both model Lara Bingle and cricket WAG Candice Falzon secretly planned to entrap their rich and famous partners into marriage by deliberately and dishonestly falling pregnant.

She suggested that Sam Worthington (Lara’s victim/husband) and Australian cricketer David Warner (Candice’s schmuck/partner) were completely taken advantage of and had their sperm deceptively extracted, and used with the sole purpose of creating a baby to nail them down with.

Look, I’m no fertility expert/ private eye – but unless Annette saw Candy poking holes in David Warner’s dinger and Lara replacing her Yazz with tic-tacs – she really doesn’t get to say that.

I cannot stress this enough: She. Really. Doesn’t. Get. To. Say. That.

I know this may be a wild and crazy concept but it is conceivable that both pregnancies were talked about, planned and welcomed with teary eyes, cigars and excited calls to parents.

And even if they weren’t, so fucking what?!?

Annette also offered up some financial advice for those of us who don’t have “traditional jobs” and may be considering a career as man trappers:

“While most women choose full-time work in traditional employment, a handful are choosing high-risk careers in burgeoning areas with only “seasonal” or short-lived earning potential. Such women include fashion models, performers, athletes and media starlets … oh and ironwomen and B-list celebrities. For these, the path to financial security remains clear — hook yourself a rich guy before your good looks start to fade.”

Yes, that’s right. Beware all you financially successful men. There is a new terror out there looking to trick you out of your cash: Women in the Arts!

A singer and comedian myself, I stupidly thought my path to financial security was you know, working. Also I didn’t choose a “high risk career” to be irresponsible, I followed various professional opportunities, which led me to do what I do now.

More on WAGs: I put my life and dreams on hold for a famous footballer: Why being a WAG sucked.

The whole of Annette’s column was way out of step, presumptuous at best and flat out wrong. To say that a particular group of women use marriage and pregnancy to compensate for a financially unstable career path – is just bullshit. 

To name Lara and Candice was just plain mean.

My outrage was so profound that I now believe I’ve come full circle on it.

I no longer wish to repeatedly poke columnist Annette with a large pointy stick; I’ve transcended the anger. I now just want to understand her motives and why she feels the need to be such a savage enemy of her own kind.

Annette Sharp is the same person who emailed around to different photographers asking for “scruffy shots” of Sam Armytage for an article she was writing that heavily criticised Sam’s appearance and style.

*Sings: Sisters are doing it for themselves!

So, now I want to sit down with Annette, pop on a relaxation mix tape, hold her hand over a pot of chamomile tea and really get to the bottom of why she felt the need to write such toxic, assumptive and truly insulting words. The saddest part is that, one day, one of these kids may be innocently googling themselves and this poisonous account of their conception will still be there, floating around on the inter webs for them to see.

Back to Bingle though.

I don’t know about you but whenever I see shots of her and Sam frolicking nude on a beach, I instantly think about how hot their sex must be. That they seem really into each other. He certainly doesn’t look like a person being held with a gun to his head. And by gun I mean baby.

Wait, I lied. The first thing I actually think when I see Lara and Sam naked on a beach is “Good God her breasts are magnificent, majestic and glorious” and then I think about their sex… sex second.

Do you think they do it ON the beach? It just seems so impractical, sand gets into places it really shouldn’t… I bet they can do it though, I bet it totally works…

If Annette won’t say it, I bloody well will.

Congratulations Lara and Sam, being pregnant is a wonderful and joyous thing. Enjoy it, enjoy each other and I hope it all goes smoothly and without incident.

More on Bingle: Lara Bingle has an undeniable baby bump. FINALLY.

More specifically to Lara: I sincerely hope you’ve had those pre-pregnancy nude photos framed and hung. Because once the current experience you are undertaking is over, you may not be able to walk around quite so freely with the girls out.

Unless you have them tucked under your armpits.. Who am I kidding, those boobs will bounce right back!

Have you seen them?!

Wow.. Em.. Too much thinking about Lara and Sam’s relationship. And you’ve mentioned Lara’s breasts THREE TIMES now. You really have some boundary issues with these two.

Okay so maybe Annette Sharp will have something to talk to me about when we do our circle of trust exercise….