Angelina and Brad are making me feel inadequate

Is it not enough that they are super humanly good looking? Ridiculously good looking. So
good-looking they can probably have orgasms simply by standing beside
each other fully clothed in front of a mirror.

But while they could be forgiven for devoting their leisure time to
such pursuits (“My God, we’re hot. No really, we are just so hot.”),
they have instead chosen to save the world. One child, one cause, and
one country at a time.

Every week when I open a gossip magazine, Brad and Angelina are in a
different impoverished land doing something to benefit humanity. This
often gives me pause to reflect on what I’ve accomplished in the past
week. How I’ve given back to the world. Invariably, this pause is short
because the answer is usually Not One Thing.

When grasping at straws, I
remind myself that I have not littered. I’ve recycled my newspapers.
And I have several sponsor children. But do I write to them? No. Do I
visit them? No. Have I adopted any of them? I have not.

When I saw Brad and Angelina on a red carpet earlier this year, I was slightly disappointed. While admittedly thrilled to gawk, a small part of me felt it was beneath them. What good could they do on the red carpet? Who could be saved today? Clearly not the dignity of Cameron Diaz’s stylis

Angelina must have identified with my inner conflict. She was visibly pissed off. Especially when she was asked by a showbiz reporter:  “So, did you guys, like, have a totally big breakfast this morning before getting ready? Like, bacon and eggs?”
People, do you not know there are refugees and orphans suffering in the world? Must we really speak of bacon? Clearly these were her thoughts. I could tell. But then suddenly, the true purpose of their attendance became clear. Sure, Brad was nominated for an award but they used the media maelstrom to announce they were moving their family to New Orleans to figuratively help the city rebuild after hurricane Katrina.

It’s impressive to watch this couple harness their global exposure to spotlight disadvantaged people. Something brought into stark contrast by a piece of quite baffling paparazzi footage I saw recently. It showed a giant black SUV pull up in front of LA’s most public celebrity restaurant, The Ivy. The paparazzi had clearly been tipped off because there were 200 of them. A rabble. Out of the SUV pops a beaming Tom Cruise. As flashbulbs go ballistic, he holds the car door open with one hand while using the other to assist Victoria Beckham and then Katie Holmes from the vehicle. Katie turns to give her husband a big kiss before – oddly – Tom hops back into the car and is driven away. Victoria and Katie are then assisted inside by six security guards, only to repeat the whole process in reverse a couple of hours later. And who benefited from this performance exactly?


Back to Angelina. She recently did a cover shoot with US Vogue. It naturally took place at an airport in the middle of the Californian dessert where the Jolie-Pitts keep their small planes. You and I have residential parking stickers or possibly a carport. These two have an airport hanger.

It gets better. “Brad and I like to fly in to meet our motorcycles,” she told the magazine. “One time we took a three-hour bike ride in the desert to a place where we spent the night alone. And then we rode the bikes back to [the airport] and flew back to LA to our kids before dinner the next evening.”

Oh Angelina, you don’t impress me. My life is a lot like yours. Just as exciting. One time, we downloaded a movie from the Internet, connected my laptop to the TV and watched it in bed. Rock and roll. Another time, I stayed awake past 11pm. Yes I did. And sometimes? Sometimes I go to bed without putting on eye cream. You had your baby in a third world country? I had mine in a hospital where the care was excellent but the food not so much. We’re very similar, you and me. Life on the edge and all that.

Your toys are motorcycles and planes. Mine are my laptop and my eyelash curler. You think Brad is hot? Me too! You kick off your shoes before flying your plane because you like to pilot barefoot? Sometimes, I drive home from the beach with no shoes.

The final scene in the movie – I mean interview – is Brad landing his plane to visit Angelina at the shoot. She runs to meet him on the runway.  The door of the plane opens and Brad rushes down the stairs and scoops her into his arms. “He hugs her tight and then reaches down and grabs her ass,” observes the reporter.  Social activists with a hot sex life? Now that’s a happy ending.