I don’t like to brag, but I am full of good ideas.
Once when I was a kid, I went ice skating and decided I really, really wanted an ice rink at home. So I got ice from the freezer and started placing it neatly on the kitchen floor. It didn’t work… but I’m sure it would have, had Mum not yelled at me and cleaned it up.
I’ve also dreamed up five apps that should definitely exist, like ‘Find my bobby pin,’ and an Uber for clothes swapping. While my ideas are yet to go viral, I’m expecting a call from Apple any day now.
But, you guys, I think I've had my greatest idea to date. And it can be summarised in four words:
ANDY. LEE. THE. BACHELOR.
While the radio host is yet to voice his interest on being on the show (it just hasn't occurred to him yet, probably), I thought I'd take this opportunity to explain to Channel 10 why he would make such a brilliant Bach. I mean, other than the fact that he's 35, his ovaries are drying up, he should be terrified of dying alone, his biological clock is loudly ticking in the background at all times, etc etc. (Ahem.)
Andy, who just so happens to be a former winner of Cleo magazine's Bachelor of the Year, really does meet each and every one of the criteria* for being The Bachelor.
*Note: These are not official criteria. They are just what I perceive to most definitely be the criteria.
He's hot.
Andy is hot AF.
I'm not being shallow, but attractiveness is clearly a prerequisite to being on the show, and anyone can see Andy is a really nice looking guy.
Cute family.
When it comes time for some lucky ladies to meet Andy's family, we're thinking he might make an unconventional choice.
Because HIS REAL FAMILY IS OBVIOUSLY HAMISH, ZOE AND SONNY. And Sonny would be the best judge of character Australian television has ever seen.
Eugh. If I was on the show I'd just run off with that guy ^^
He has a great support network.
Hamish has been Andy's wingman ever since Hamish forced Andy to let him be his ultimate wingman. Hamish heroically went to great lengths to put Andy in situations where women would be impressed by him.
Did it ever work? No. But that's not the point. (Post continues after gallery of this year's Bachelor contestants.)
2016 Bachelorettes
He delivers great banter.
Andy Lee is genuinely funny, and he'd have so many stories to tell on his Bachelor dates.
Like about the time in 2007 when he and Hamish were literally joined at the hip for one week after they made a joke about conjoined twins. Or the time they invented a sport called 'Ghosting', which involved simply following people really, really closely until they noticed.
He's such a talented dancer.
So maybe not, like, ballroom dancing or whatever the romantic type of dancing is. But he's a top notch tap dancer, and that should count for something.
Watch Andy tap dance with Hugh Jackman. (Post continues after video.)
He'd think of great date ideas.
If Andy was on the show, there would be no bubble soccer or rollerblading in sumo suits. It'd be far more creative than that.
I'm thinking a cute date where the lucky lady experiences the Amazon tribes’ coming-of-age ritual – being bitten by bullet ants. Hamish and Andy had so much fun with that one.
He doesn't know anything about the show.
Everyone knows the best people on The Bachelor claim to have 'never watched the show before.'
I guess it's meant to make them sound kinda cool? Like 'oh, I just jumped into this experience on a whim! Because I'm so free and brave and I take so many risks!'
But Andy legitimately doesn't watch the show. I know this because Hamish gives him sub-par recaps.
This is a good thing, because Andy won't be corrupted by the status quo. He'll also be just as confused by the logistics (i.e. the white rose, random eliminations) as we are.
Will someone PLEASE get this man a mansion and a bunch of roses already?
In all seriousness, I don't think there's anything wrong with being single. Not at 20, not at 30, not at 50, and not at 90. Andy Lee shouldn't be pressured by the media to partner up and settle down - just like women in the media shouldn't be.
I do, however, think a season of The Bachelor with Andy Lee would be brilliant. And if Channel 10 is wondering whether the ladies would be interested, we have an office of more than 50 women who would all be keen. Some are married, some have children, some aren't attracted to men.
But all of us would apply to be on that season of The Bachelor.
Featured image: Getty