real life

Count the ways this woman manages to insult Amal Clooney in four-and-a-half minutes.

In her annual special of all the people who are definitely the most interesting people in the whole entire world, Barbara Walters has announced Amal Clooney (née Alumuddin) as ‘the most fascinating person of 2014’.

Amal Clooney

And it makes sense , doesn’t it? Amal is a renowned and respected barrister who specialises in international law and human rights. She has a Bachelor’s Degree from Oxford and a Master’s Degree from New York University. She speaks three languages, has worked for the UN, and has represented prime ministers and advised world leaders.

That is one damn fascinating woman.

Oh. Wait. Except according to Barbara Walters, Amal’s astonishing achievements in her life and career are not what make her fascinating. Apparently what makes Amal the most fascinating person of 2104, is the fact she managed to fascinate George Clooney.

SHE GOT HIM.

In a 4:38 minute TV spot dedicated to describing why Amal took out the ‘most fascinating’ title, her career isn’t mentioned until well after the halfway mark. And even then, it’s only emphasised that she manages to be passionate about human rights ‘while looking gorgeous’.

The whole segment is an embarrassing clusterfuck of 1950s bullshit. It reduces a an incredible woman’s worth down to the fact that she managed to lock down a bachelor, and it turns marriage into the most important achievement in a woman’s life.

Amal (not surprisingly) was not interviewed for the segment designed to congratulate her for landing a man, but there are plenty of highlights from Walters anyway:

“This is Amal Alamuddin. George Clooney’s beautiful bride. You could say her’s was the wedding of the year. But let’s put it into perspective – it was really one of the greatest achievements in human history. Everyone said that no one would ever get George Clooney to the alter. In fact, George Clooney, who had been married briefly in his twenties, said it himself.”

So no beating around the bush then. This is about Amal landing a man. Oh, and just to drive her incredible achievement home:

“Like climbers attempting Mount Everest, a bevy of beautiful women threw themselves at the unattainable, and failed.”

Barbara then lists all of the women who have tried to climb the mountain that is George. (Also, just quietly, you know what would be more fascinating than climbing a metaphorical Mount Everest? CLIMBING THE ACTUAL MOUNT EVEREST. OR LITERALLY ANY OTHER MOUNTAIN.)

ADVERTISEMENT

After talking for a while about how George is basically the rarest and most unattainable diamond on this earth, Barbara finally decides to mention a little something about Amal’s life and career. You know – the tiny and unimportant part of her identity that has nothing to do with locking down a famous bachelor.

There’s this small aside, at 2:37 (so more than halfway into the segment – clearly this info wasn’t interesting enough to be mentioned upfront):

“Amal was born into a prominent Lebanese family, she grew up in a London suburb, went to Oxford, got her law degree at NYU and clerked for then federal judge, Sonja Sotomayor. She returned to London, and became a very well-known attorney, who defended freedom of speech and women’s rights.

While looking gorgeous.”

That’s it. Two sentences about her career, bookended with a mention of her all-important looks, and then we’re officially back to the fascinating matter at hand: Man-snagging.

Barbs spends some time talking about how Amal met George at a party and stole his heart. Then there’s a short montage of her speaking at press conferences – with each sentence cut off before we actually hear anything that she has to say.

But that’s okay – this clearly isn’t a story about a fascinating woman.

Oh. Wait. YES IT FUCKING IS.

The segment mercifully ends with Barbara talking about their ‘perfect’ wedding, with a particular focus on Amal’s hat.

That is one fascinating hat.

And that’s it. That is the four and a half minute TV spot in which Barbara Walters describes what makes Amal Clooney the most fascinating person of 2014.

So, what have the young girls watching at home learned? What should you have achieved in your life in order to be considered a fascinating woman in today’s day and age?

Find yourself a man (preferably famous), get him to put a ring on your finger and LOCK. HIM. DOWN.

What could be more fascinating than that?

Thanks Barbara.

Watch the full video here:

[raw]
More ABC News Videos | ABC World News[/raw]

00:00 / ???