movies

A (very serious) list of the new categories we'd like to see at the Oscars.

The Academy Awards are approaching. And frankly, I’m not all that excited.

It goes for four(ty five) hours, the actors don’t get boozed until after the televised bit and it’s basically the same thing every single time, ie. Meryl Streep is nominated for something, some hot guy brings their Mum for extra swoon factor and we discover yet another famous actor can’t read off an Autocue.

After 88 years of monotony, perhaps it’s time The Academy shook things up a bit by introducing a few new categories.

For example…

The film that made us cry so much there was snot.

And the Imposcar goes to… Lion.

Notable past winners: The Boy in The Striped Pyjamas (2008), My Girl (1991), ET (1982).

Nope. Just nope.

alternative oscar categories
ADVERTISEMENT

Film that made all the money at the box office despite being objectively pretty terrible.

And the Imposcar goes to... Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice. ($873,260,194 in takings, 27 per cent on Rotten Tomatoes).

Notable past winners: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Twilight: New Moon (2009), The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008).

The foreign film audiences are least likely to understand but most likely to recommend to their friends in order to sound intelligent/cultured.

And the Imposcar goes to... From Afar (Venezuela).

Notable past winners: Holy Motors (2012), Spirited Away (2001), Werckmeister Harmonies (2000).

Mel Gibson is nominated this year. But should we be supporting his film? (Post continues after podcast.)

The film most women agreed to see with their partners because that hot dude was in it.

And the Imposcar goes to... Captain America: Civil War (Chris Evans).

Notable past winners: X Men: First Class (Michael Fassbender), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Oceans 11 (Brad Pitt, George Clooney).

The film most men agreed to see with their partners because that hot woman was in it.

And the Imposcar goes to... TIE: La La Land (Emma Stone) and Jackie (Natalie Portman).

Notable past winners: The Dressmaker (Kate Winslet), Black Swan (Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis... having sex), Honey (Jessica Alba).

Why every straight man saw Black Swan...

via GIPHY

"The Day Job Award" for the model who tried their hardest to make the transition to film.

And the Imposcar goes to... Cara Delevigne (Suicide Squad).

Notable past winners: Jamie Dornan (Fifty Shades of Grey), Giselle Bundchen (The Devil Wears Prada), Tyra Banks (Coyote Ugly).

The Adam Sandler Award for the actor who consistently plays his/herself in every role.

And the Imposcar goes to... Adam Sandler (The Do Over).

Notable past winners: Adam Sandler (50 First Dates), Adam Sandler (The Wedding Singer), Seth Rogan.

Just a thought, Tinseltown. Just a thought.